07/25/2013

last night i had a dream that i told my dad i didn’t love him. i told him chris had replaced him and he was unaffected, the way i’d expect him to be if i ever did tell him that. chris hasn’t replaced my dad and never will because my dad is my dad, but chris is filling in the spaces that my dad doesn’t seem concerned about.

before i left work yesterday, my neighbors who are also drug dealers were on their porch with a huge handgun. they were teaching two little boys (neither of them are over ten) how to hold and aim. on the front porch. it freaked me out. i am not a gun person and my neighborhood is fucking scary sometimes. it doesn’t bring me any peace to know that my neighbors who probably shouldn’t own guns have guns and they aren’t afraid to bring them out in the middle of the day. when i got home from work at midnight, that same neighbor was sitting on his porch in all black with the lights off.

i stayed at my mom’s.

i knew living in this neighborhood would be challenging. it’s more scary now that alan doesn’t stay here. my neighbors have never really paid any attention to me and i like it that way, but in the last few days they’ve been watching me. i feel like every time i come out of my house they are looking at me. i don’t really think i’m being paranoid, but i am definitely being cautious. i don’t have anything valuable to steal and i don’t care if i get broken into, as long as i’m not here. especially now that i know they have guns.

thug life. i’m trying to make it lighthearted, but in reality it scares me because i’ve never lived in a place like this. i am a woman and i live alone.

hurry up and turn around, neighborhood. i’d like to stay here for a while.