07/24/2013

on days i pull away from alan, i remember this particular thing he wrote about me in may:

"I tend to act from my emotions but when I listen to my heart, it always leads me to you. I don’t believe in God or religion but I value what is sacred and that every moment of life with you is sacred. I don’t vote during elections but everyday I elect you into a place of reverence in my heart and soul.

I want to spend my one and only life investing all of my interest in you. And the only thing you have to do to “keep me interested" is to be you: sweet, funny, beautiful you."

because this describes how alan feels about me all the time. this is what i am shooting for. this is why i can’t pull myself away entirely and i am trying so hard to make this work. it is broken at times and i cry a lot when i spend time alone and think about "us" together and separate. most days i feel he is right for me and on those same days i still pull away. my feelings are always there, whether they’re tiny inklings and sparks or big, overwhelming feelings that make me laugh or cry.

we are dancing in the kitchen, we are riding our bikes everywhere, we are kayaking and having dinners with friends and sharing space more than we have in a long time. we are trying to get back to normal and when i say "we" i mean me because i am the one causing all of the disturbances.

i’m working on it.