07/16/2013

today is my dad’s birthday. i will regret saying this at some point and i know how immature i sound, but i don’t want to go celebrate it. i don’t want to go out with my dad and suzi. i don’t want to listen to my dad, i don’t want to answer questions, i don’t want to think about the way my dad doesn’t want to be around suzi but still is, i don’t want to feel bad for suzi because she has no idea and he won’t tell her, i don’t want to feel inadequate, i don’t want my dad to not tell me i’m beautiful and he won’t, i don’t want to sit awkwardly and pretend that i care and i don’t want to be pushed in directions i don’t want to be pushed into. i want to spend my night alone after a long day.

i’ve been giving too much of myself away lately. more people need journals. journals keep you in touch with your reality. they allow you to express yourself without constantly expressing yourself to another person. i write here so i don’t have to talk about myself the entire time i’m conversing with someone. i wrote recently that people want to be listened to. you can win anyone if you listen. it’s especially easy with men. it’s even easier if you have a knack for remembering certain things. people give too much away and they repeat things too often when they talk all the time.

after a couple of months of intense socialization, i’m ready to turn inward for a little while. i’m ready to write more, do more things alone, keep more people at a distance. it’s not a sad thing. it’s not a lonely thing. it’s a happy selfish thing i do. me time.

i am ready to start school. i am ready for a new job. i am ready for a new workout routine. i am ready to let things go. i am ready for new things. i am ready for progress.