07/16/2012

eric moved out and we had a conversation saturday about what’s going on, even though i think it was pretty clear for both of us. this is my last public entry, as eric has all of my diary information and has read whatever entries i’ve written lately, so if you want to be added to the faves only stuff that i’ll be writing from here on out, let me know if you’re not already on my faves stuff.

naturally, i’m writing eric a letter.

dear eric,

it was never supposed to be like this. all of the anger, the impatience, the frustration. i never wanted it and i know you didn’t, either. i can’t stand being in the apartment. i keep hearing, "remember when we first moved in? we were so happy" over and over in my head every time i walk in. it’s empy, the way you left it, the way we started out and i miss you in a way i can’t even accurately explain because it’s so central to me as a person.

it’s a huge void and i don’t know how to handle things because i know i made the best choice for myself. you called me selfish saturday and it’s still ringing because it’s true. at the end of the day, it’s ultimately about me and my happiness and the smart choice for me. it’s never the easy choice. i never wanted to hurt you. i never wanted to hurt you as much as this has hurt you.

i can’t sleep and i know you’re not sleeping, either. i miss your body next to mine, i miss watching you sleep, i miss waiting for you to show up, laughing, grocery shopping, telling you my thoughts. i miss singing with you in the car and spinning in the street and eating dinner with you at the table. i don’t miss the fighting, the constant pull, the harsh words i’ve said and i can’t take back. i know i’ve done damage.

i was horrible to you these last few months and while i couldn’t listen to you call me out on it because i’m a coward, i know. i think about it constantly. it’s what makes the guilt so much more immense.

you were always there for me. body issues, dad issues, work issues. i couldn’t reciprocate after a while and that wasn’t fair. i’m sorry i couldn’t give myself to you the way you gave yourself to me.

i feel like i’ve failed in every aspect. i don’t know if you’ll change, i don’t know if we’ll get back together. i don’t know how to feel. i can’t separate anger from sadness or happiness and loneliness, but i know the lines will all solidify soon enough.

this was the most steady, healthy relationship i’ve ever had. you were so wonderful. i’m sorry.

love,
me