07/12/2011

fish!

this is a slightly less than photogenic picture of me looking all thick in the middle (i’m not as thick as i look here, but yeah, i’m definitely sporting the love handles) with sailing hair and chris, my mom’s boyfriend. don’t forget the most  important part — the fish i caught!

edit:

for some reason, i feel like maybe this is an appropriate time to talk about body issues.

a while ago when my counter tops were being redone, the cuban guy who was redoing them was telling me about cuba.

"man, i miss cuba. the dancing, the food, the people. the women. cuban men love women. all women. i feel bad for you american girls. so many men comparing you to things they see in magazines. they don’t love how you look, they want you to be something else."

this little conversation has stuck with me for over a month. maybe it’s because i feel that way, maybe it’s because of the body image problems i’ve been having recently. i’m not sure.

when i write about someone telling me that i’m beautiful, i do it because when i read back over the entries i feel better about me. it’s a big deal for me when someone thinks i’m attractive. probably a much bigger deal than it should be. this isn’t to say i don’t think i’m pretty. most days, i feel good about myself and the way i look.

this tom thing has hit me hard. i know it’s not me but i can’t stop thinking that it is. i can’t grasp that he wouldn’t want to be with me for any other reason outside of…well…me.

i hate the idea of dieting. when i think of dieting i think of high school and starving myself and losing 25 pounds. i think of the person i was then and how miserable i was. i eat well, i work out daily, and i’m at a healthy weight. even when i do try to diet, i struggle. i’ve been eating 1500 calories the last week and a half. no results. i’ve been working out, too. i feel like my body is at a comfortable weight. i don’t know if i’d be happier thinner. would i be a completely different person? no. when i’m comfortable and happy with myself i exude this warmth and people gravitate to me. i don’t think this is correlated to my weight other than when i’m a bit thinner i’m more confident.

but why?

i often think that no one would love me if i was fat. as i thought about this earlier, i figured that most women felt the same way. i doubt this. i think it has to do with how you’re raised, where you’re raised, and who you hang around with. i grew up in an extremely judgemental family. this isn’t to say that we’re bad people — we’re not. my dad has always been especially harsh on women. not towards me ever, but listening to him talk about heavy women was enough. dating eddie didn’t help and heath was probably the worst because he flat out told me i shouldn’t like my body. some of it is societal. we have all of these unattainable, closed minded ideas about beauty. and sure, some of it has to do with me. i have to love me.

i will never not have love handles. even when i was 25 pounds lighter i had them. i won’t ever be a stick. this is me and i have to feel better about myself.