07/08/2012

after long conversations with eric, we concluded one of us is moving out. he can’t afford our apartment so i’m assuming i’ll be staying here, but i can already tell it’s going to be a drawn out process. it’s only going to push me further and i know at some point i’m going to have to make him leave.

i don’t want to. the amount of guilt i feel is so immense i literally feel like i’m collapsing. my mom watched me carefully at dinner last night and said, "ash, you’re in a funk. you don’t need to justify this."

but i do. because it’s eric and there are so many parts of me that want him. i have to keep reminding myself that this is right. that i’m right and i don’t need to feel guilty.

i went out with peter and mateo on friday. we had such a good time and it reminded me how much i miss my friends. since most of my friends are guys, eric would always come out and it would end up being guy night and me. it was nice to have drinks, sit outside, talk about everything, and forget for an evening that what i’ve had for almost a year is quickly fading.

i played frisbee golf and had drinks with alan, the kid from work. it was super platonic and easy. i wasn’t awkward. he’s different than eric in every way. he’s dark and well spoken and he’s an english major. he loves food the way i do. i’m not pursuing anything. i can’t disregard that he has a gorgeous body and he dresses really well, though.

i’m sorry my entries are depressing lately. it’s going to change. i’m going to move through this and i’m going to be fine. eric’s going to be okay, too.

it’s all going to pass.