07/06/2011

as i’m driving to chris’ to make dinner for my mom and chris and chris’ mom, i’m crying and smiling at the same time. i’m not sad but i’m overwhelmed by this idea that for so long i’d lost something and i’ve found something new and entirely different but just as good.

i had dinner with my dad and his girlfriend last night. i had dinner with my mom and her boyfriend tonight. i’m okay with all of this. it’s almost like i have two new families with two new people to share things with. i’ve seen new sides of my parents — better sides — that i would’ve never seen otherwise. i’ve learned to step back from my mom and open up to my dad. i can still have the best of everyone.

i am so at peace tonight. i’m grateful.

this has been such an amazing summer for me. i haven’t had a summer like this in years. with friends. doing stuff. enjoying the hell out of everything.

i left tom’s last night. i keep hearing, "the most important thing is that he should make you feel good" in my head, especially when i’m with tom. i got the bad version of tom last night. at one point he told me, as in demanded, "suck my dick" and i understand that sometimes, in the moment, this is completely okay. it wasn’t in the moment and he was serious. after we had sex, he told me to "make the bed". it sounds like i’m being overly sensitive but he was demanding it and i thought it was disrespectful. i got dressed, headed for the door, and he came after me. he sat on the arm of the couch, his arms around me, asking me to stay. apologizing. it didn’t really matter. it finally clicked that no matter how long i wait, no matter how hard i push, no matter what games i could play, i’ll never have him. i can’t force him to be with me. i don’t really even know if that’s what i want. i was uncomfortable last night even before the things he said because i could feel how closed off he was. i texted him tonight apologizing for putting him in such a strange position these last couple of months. i wouldn’t have stayed no matter what last night. it hit too close to home — the tone of voice, the carelessness.

i had horrible dreams about heath monday night. i woke up with scratches all over my legs and hands. i must’ve been fighting.

i have lunch with my dad tomorrow to discuss finances for school and i’ve found a place to live with a girl named ashley. i have dinner with my mom.

my trip to see cameron is still on. i’m waiting on exact dates but he wants me to stay ten (!) days. i’m a little nervous but i’ve never been to missouri or ohio and i’m excited to meet his family. if it falls through i’m packing my car and heading to colorado for a week before school starts. i miss the mountains. so much.

this is the song on my mind "jacaranda tree" — josh garrels. so beautiful. love love love the lyrics.