07/04/2012

i’m looking at apartments and it sucks. i hate the thought of moving out, of not having eric, of my life changing considerably over the next few weeks. i don’t know what else to do and i know it started as his fault because of his lack of motivation and my constant reminding that if he didn’t find work, my feelings would fade. but now i’m to blame because he has found work and he’s making money, though i’m still supporting us and probably will be for the rest of the month, and i can’t let it go.

i knew this would happen. i feel like i’ve warned him for months and he ignored it or was so freaked out he crumbled. it’s bad either way. i can’t always pull him out and drag him away from bed and motivate him. it’s too exhausting and since january when we moved in together, it’s been that way. no, i no longer have to make him breakfast and every single meal because he never had to do that growing up. i don’t have to try to get him out of bed for an hour. he’s narrowed his "getting ready" time to around 35 minutes and this is so much better than waiting over an hour for him.

i can’t keep saying, "it’s okay because eric was never exposed to those things growing up. it’s a learning process." i know it’s a learning process and i know that eric has suffered a lot because of the way he was brought up.

but it’s not my responsibility to make sure he catches up and understands it. i feel like i’ve basically given him whatever opportunities and advice and support i can and now, or a few months ago, he should’ve put it into action.

he has a job now, but i shouldn’t have had to support us last month and this month. if he’d been proactive and focused and given more than  25% effort into finding something as crucial as a job, we wouldn’t be here and i can’t ignore that.

when we argue about it, which is every day now mostly because i’m constantly on edge and ready to fight about anything, he tells me i should just move out, that he’ll "find a way". but he has no idea. he always found a way when he had settlement money or when he lived at home. but it’s easy to live at home and "find a way" because, at least for eric, because his parents don’t make him pay for anything.

i don’t know. fuck. i don’t know.