07/03/2013

dear alan,

i can’t even read old entries about us. i can’t sit in my sadness anymore because this is my fault.

you won’t let me go because you can’t and i can’t stay here because i have so much guilt. i don’t deserve any of what you give me. i don’t deserve the letters or the kisses or the infinite patience or you opening my car door or waking me with sweet words.

i don’t deserve any of it and my mom tells me to be more kind to myself but i can’t. i don’t know when things would’ve run out. i don’t know what this means for me or you or us.

i don’t know if my desire to look for other people came from the almost unbelievable happiness you gave me, i don’t know if i panicked because i am addicted to the way love feels initially and i can’t deal with the shift in actions and emotions, i don’t fucking know.

i’m sorry a million times over. i’m sorry for me and you and us and i wish i could accept your love and your heart. i wish you could hear me when i yell at you over the phone to find someone who loves you the way i wish i could love you.

because i wish i could. i have been trying to get it back the last three months. i have never tried so hard at anything.

i love you and i don’t know what that encompasses, but i know i will miss everything about you. i know that no one could even come anywhere close to you. i walk around my apartment and i see the yellow tulips and my bike and the notes that you’ve pinned in every imaginable place to remind me that we will be okay and i am okay and you love me and i am beautiful and you only want me.

it scares me to think that you may not feel like this if i come back around. it scares me that i even have to come back around. it breaks my heart into the smallest pieces that i can’t give you what you deserve.

i think about it when i fall asleep and when i wake up and in any moment i’m not working. that’s why i have been working all the time. i’m trying to stow away the constant reminders that i fucked up and i am stupid and i could sit here and pick myself apart but i’ve been doing it all day and i don’t have the energy.

i hate this.

i hate the way i am.

i hate that i destroyed this. i hate that you love me when you know the ins and outs of everything and me and i can’t even fathom loving myself right now but you are still unwavering.