06/22/2013

things are changing around here.

i am stressing less and getting massages and hanging out with new people. i am making plans, both long term and short term, and carefully revising what i’m looking for and where i should be with my life.

i started noticing it with little things first. i am letting go of tiny pieces of information that i clung to for so long. stupid bits and pieces of stuff that i’ve combined together to make one large pile of mental junk that i cling to because it makes me sentimental to things i don’t want to be sentimental about.

sometimes i trap myself in a whirlwind of sad memories. sometimes i feel like that makes up the biggest chunk of me. sometimes i feel like without all of those stupid things, like the way tom’s face looked or the sequence of events the day i met heath, i will have lost the last five or so years.

and then i realize it’s not that way at all. those things don’t matter. i know that sounds obvious, but when you mix the perfect combination of fucked up memories together, it becomes this big stack of deadweight that follows you and keeps you in the past. i am letting go of my past.

i’ve never been someone with regrets. i don’t hate myself for the choices i’ve made; i don’t wish i could change anything. that said, my world has gotten smaller and smaller lately. i was caught up in my jobs and alan and my small scene i’ve started for myself at bars and restaurants around my apartment. but in the last month, i’ve hung with new people and talked about pertinent things. i’ve seen less of alan. i sleep better and i have less guilt and i made a five year plan, which is something that’s been in the works for years.

it’s slow, too slow for a lot of people, but it fits my life and what i’m looking for.

i owe part of this to my friend jake. jake was one of the first people to speak to me at my new job and we had a weird connection because he knows kate, but we’ve since become food and conversation buddies. he’s 31 and pursuing his degree in biochemistry and he’s about to move to austin, but he’s giving me hope for myself. i’m not lost. i just need a little bit more time.

enter john. i was warned to stay away from john from all of my coworkers. and i did, for a while. he’s a good looking guy. dark with blueish purple eyes and a smooth confidence. i ended up having too much food one night with john and jake and have since hung out with both of them separately as friends. john’s parents divorced when he was 18. when we discussed it over lunch one day, john reminded me of something i forgot. he told me, "at first i was angry and sad. then, i realized it had nothing to do with me and i couldn’t be angry because it was about them, not me."

i spent a lot of time trying to remind myself of this when my parents divorced. i "knew" i wasn’t to blame, but i still felt it. maybe it wasn’t my fault and i understood that, but i always felt there was something i could’ve done to change it.

i’m putting a lot of effort into loosening my grip on my past so i can create a more stable present and a happier future. i am trying to shift my sadness and lack of direction into a positive thing. i know i can.