06/22/2012

i have work in two hours and i don’t want to go. the only thing i’m looking forward to is my odwalla super food that i’ll be drinking halfway through my shift.

last night was one of the best nights i’ve had in a long time. taylor, eric’s best friend, was in a car accident a couple of weeks ago. he’s okay, but he spent a few days in the hospital and has a big gash in his leg. i love taylor. he’s my favorite of eric’s friends and i love his mom. taylor has a drug problem. he’s been in and out of recovery for heroin since high school.

he is so smart and charismatic. he has so much potential. he adores eric and watching eric and taylor together is like watching two hyper active kids. i love it.

i sat outside with taylor’s mom, who is a psychologist for drug addicts/social worker, and talked through two bottles of wine last night.

she’s watching her son destroy himself, and while it’s easy from my position to blame her or wonder why she’s not thrown him out to let him hit rock bottom, i don’t understand addiction. especially to heroin. she cried as she told me she’s basically preparing for his overdose, which is so awful, but she’s so right. taylor has to help himself. he has to fix himself. it doesn’t matter how much we all love him. it doesn’t matter how much time we’re there for him. he has to come around.

we talked about other things. we talked a lot about eric. she is crazy about eric. we talked about where i stand with him now — whether i love him, whether he challenges me, whether i could find someone who is the best of everything i’m looking for. she told me that, while there are no do-overs in life, she wishes she would’ve stayed with the man who loved her unconditionally instead of marrying taylor’s dad who cheated on her when she was pregnant with taylor’s brother. she was brutally honest with me in a way my mom never could be because my mom is always trying to protect me.

like my mom, however, she told me that i don’t have to have someone a million times smarter than me. i can find people outside of my relationship with eric who can be my  intellectual peers.

i know how all of this sounds.

it sounds like i’m an asshole. it sounds like i think really highly of myself. it sounds like i’m trying to bend my relationship with eric into something it isn’t.

but i’m not. i’m coming to terms with who i am and where i want to be and who i want to be with. it’s not settling. it’s learning that love and someone who wants me as i am might over power everything else.

anyway, i have to get ready for work.

cheers!