06/12/2012

there’s stuff i’ve avoided writing lately because i sometimes feel that if i ignore things long enough (i.e. not write about them), they’ll disappear.

not so.

i’m growing out of eric. i’m tired of being the adult in our relationship all the time. i’m losing patience and it sucks. i am constantly on edge and even now i feel the feeling welling up in my chest, in my throat, and i am frustrated.

i want space. i know that he loves me more than most men could and my mom reminds me of this all the time, but i’m being pushed to my brink. he asks me questions that he could easily figure out the answers to if he simply looking around or thought about them for a few minutes. he doesn’t pay attention to things i say a lot of the time and i have to repeat myself. a lot.

he doesn’t have many friends. this drives me crazy because i want to be able to do things on my own, or do things alone. whenever we talk about our problems, he sulks and i have to console him or i feel terrible and i shouldn’t have to do either.

recently we talked about spicing up our sex life. it’s like he doesn’t enjoy sex. or he does, sort of, but it’s vanilla and he’s not turned on by turning me on or me getting off. he wants blow jobs all the time. i know lots of guys want blow jobs all the time and i don’t have a problem with that, but it’s not usually reciprocated and if it is, it’s tentative and he acts labored.

i need someone who challenges me. i need someone who is going somewhere. i don’t know if eric is. he was making a lot of progress, but it’s slipping and i’m tired of being stressed out.

since we’ve been dating, he hasn’t had one steady job for a month. he falls in and out of jobs for various reasons, but we live together and his financial situation is my financial situation. i’m probably going to have to pay most of this month’s rent, not to mention groceries, and i’m not pleased.

on top of all of this, i feel like i’m trying to force him to be something he isn’t. i don’t want him walking away trying to sort out who he is because i damaged him.

fuck. even after venting, i’m still really upset.