06/08/2013

lately, all i have to talk about is work. it scares me some days because if you ask my dad what he’s been up to, he’ll respond the same every time, first telling you how work is followed by his progress on the house. work. all the time.

that said, i’ll get the work stuff out of the way. working two jobs is tiring but rewarding. i’ve had several 14 hour days this week and i’m sleepy, my apartment is a mess, i have no time to think about things. on my day off wednesday, i drove toward austin for twenty five minutes and turned around. i walked around downtown for several hours and i felt like my brain was going to explode because i had so many unprocessed thoughts. i don’t know how long i’ll do the two job thing, but for now it’s okay because i’m trying to save money to put toward something. i couldn’t tell you what that something is, but it might be a dog or a move or new paint and furniture for my apartment. i can’t find what piece i’m missing.

moving has popped up in my mind again. it’ll stay there until i figure out if making over my apartment will suffice. i also really want a dog. i’m puppy sitting for a friend at the end of this week and if it goes well, i think i may make the commitment…although i may not be able to move once i make that commitment.

i’m feeling displaced. it could be the lack of sleep. it could be that even though i love alan, i’m still in limbo about whether i want to be involved right now.

i don’t see him much because i work all the time and he works pretty long hours too, but when we do catch up it’s either strenuous or perfect. it stresses me out sometimes because i feel like my moods decide which it’ll be and lately, i don’t have the patience to talk to someone else or entertain someone else because i’ve been doing it ALL day. when i’m off work, i honestly want to dance around my apartment with my headphones in or take a super hot shower and enjoy the silence.

riane moved home two weeks ago from australia. while i thought that my best friend moving home from australia would impact my life, it actually hasn’t because she’s "too heartbroken" to hang out. i’ve been pretty sympathetic to the texts she sends me late at night because she’s freaking out because she feels displaced and her boyfriend broke up with her and moved back to the UK, but i’m feeling less patient because she never responds to my invitations out. i understand she’s sad, but she can’t wallow in it forever. if no one else is trying to pull her out and she can’t do it herself, i don’t really know what to do. i wouldn’t even care if she told me she didn’t want to go out, but not responding is rude and i’m tired of it.

my cousin came out a few weeks ago and i’m extremely happy for him. i can’t even imagine the struggle or the bravery that it took and he’s such a wonderful, smart, adorable person and it’s just awesome.

there’s more floating around in my mind. my heart is heavy, i feel torn, i feel stuck in a way but also completely free in other ways, i’m contemplative and more social than i’ve been in a while.

i went to a festival in houston with alan last weekend and we had an amazing time. the music was perfect, the people were friendly, and alan and i got on better than we have in months. we didn’t argue; we didn’t push. it made me want more weekends off, more festivals, more kindness. i miss alan the way we were. i miss the way i was. i know it’s me. i know that what we’re doing is damaging future plans between us because he can’t let it go now and i need the space now but i don’t want to hurt him. on the other side, i know it doesn’t get much better than what alan gives to me and i don’t want to leave it all behind because it may not ever come back. even though we’ve had a rough month or two, i know it’s still significantly better than most relationships i’ve had.

i always say things will work themselves out and i believe that, but i also believe that things sometimes need a push. i need a push right now so i can push everything back into where it fits best. i need the best version of myself. i need to get back on track. i need to paint my apartment and do my laundry and put my dishes away.

get it together.