06/07/2012

heath called me a few minutes ago. he didn’t want to talk about us getting back together. he instead told me that, even though he never told me while we were dating, he loved me and he will always love me and our year together was the happiest time of his life. he didn’t expect anything from me in return, and i sat silently on the line because there was nothing to say.

part of me feels like i should be pleased and happy that i’ve left the indention i always wanted to leave on heath, but i find myself angry and sad. heath tore my life into a million tiny pieces. the sacrifices i made to leave a mark or to change the way heath was was too detrimental to relish that he’s never going to be completely over me.

i think about heath and there are things i miss. there will always be things i miss. i can’t shuffle through my memories without stumbling on our first kiss, the way he approached me, the constant party, the butterflies that i thought would never go away.

he told me, "you wanted everything with me when we were together, and while you knew i liked you, you deserved so much more than that."

i see the flip side of all this. i see the psychological impact heath undoubtedly wants. he’s trying to show me he’s different. that he understands what he’s done to me. but he’ll never understand.

i don’t write often about eric. not the way i wrote about tom or heath. i’m not pretending with eric. i’m not constantly fighting for him. the emotions when you are chasing after someone are different. they are intense and exponential. they are nights huddled in a bathroom corner crying, mornings scurrying out of someone’s bed, anticipation for contact that probably won’t come.

i push eric away in an effort to create all of these horrible things that, deep down, i know i don’t want. he comes back, every time, and loves me still. i don’t understand it, but i love him. every single part of him in a way i never realized i could love someone. down to his finger tips and the tiny patch of hair on his lower back.

i doubt eric at times. i doubt eric enough for him to tell me recently, "i need you to believe in me."

this kills me.

i don’t know why i’m so conflicted. i don’t know why i am so terrible to him sometimes. he is doing everything he possibly can to treat me right and be all of the things i ask him to be. i am impatient and harsh and i hate it. sometimes i worry eric will walk away from us broken and damaged because of the things i say and do.

i see things that remind me of heath in myself, but i think ultimately what i’m seeing is my dad. the reasons i don’t talk to my dad. the reasons i can’t. i have those traits. i don’t know how to break free of them, and i wonder how much of our personalities is stowed away in us before we even realize it.