05/11/2012

i’m eleven days out from the longest vacation i’ve ever had, i’m about to get fired from my job, and i can’t stop going to jamba juice.

jamba juice is so expensive but so delicious. brown sugar oatmeal add peanut butter and an orange mango juice without the ice is setting me back $8 almost every day but i can’t help it.

i bought dresses and shoes for vegas last week. my life has been an endless cycle of searching for bathing suits, shorts, t shirts, sandals, and sundresses. i don’t know how i’m going to fit two weeks of stuff in a suitcase i’m sharing with eric, but i’ve always been a terrible packer and i always seem to make it work somehow. i’m taking advice from everyone around me about vegas, listening to customers’ stories about engagements in san diego, and counting minutes until i’m on a plane with eric.

work has taken a few interesting turns. the manager who opened the store here quit a few weeks ago and the stand in manager, hieu, has disliked me from almost day one. i take a lot of pride in my work. i can’t help it. it’s how i was raised and even if i hate being somewhere, i still kick my own ass. i sell more than anyone on the floor, i clean in my down time, and i honestly never stop moving. i’ve lost almost twenty pounds since i started working at the end of january. that’s how much i’m moving. i make 30% tips, i’m never late, and i’ve not had a problem with the authority at this restaurant until now. i don’t typically have problems with authority or respect. i’m overall, typically, really well liked amongst my peers and superiors. but hieu hates me. i’m "slow" and "part of the problem" at the restaurant because i voiced my opinion about my other manager, eric. eric and i started off at the same time and when he was promoted, he told me he wanted to stay close to me. he’s gay and dramatic and high strung. he gossips to me about everyone all the time and everyone gossips about eric to me an equal amount. i was tired of it and while i expected my co workers to gossip and complain, i thought it was unprofessional that eric would do so to me because i’m not at the same level as he is. it’s not like this happened outside of work, either. he does it when someone walks out of a room. so, i went to hieu and asked if she thought it would be more appropriate for her or me to talk to him. she said she’d do it and when she did it, she told him i was the one who said something. not only was this incredibly inappropriate and unprofessional, he came to me about it and asked. i was honest with him, but if i knew she would’ve said my name, i would’ve had the conversation with him. i don’t have any problem talking to people about issues i’m having.

shit started to hit the fan yesterday. we’re basically turning the restaurant on its head to make it a better place. i agree with this. there needed to be more structure. i trained the entire staff we have now because i was chosen by both current and previous management to do so. i didn’t do a great job…i had worked at the company a month and i hadn’t been properly trained…but given the right training i think i’d rock at it. i wasn’t asked to be a trainer. jade, heath’s niece and hieu’s new best friend was asked. a guy who has worked at piranha a month was asked. when i asked eric if i had done something to not be asked to be a trainer he told me that hieu thought i was a big issue, that it was wrong for me to speak my mind, and that i shouldn’t say anything based on how the ENTIRE staff feels.

but i’m not going to shut up. eric has changed his demeanor toward the staff since hieu told him what i told her. it hurts my pride that i wasn’t asked to be a trainer, but when it comes down to it, it’s a lot of hard work and my pay checks are still zeroed out.

i don’t like the idea of living my life under all of these constraints. i understand that work is about politics and i am good at politics. i stop playing politics when i feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with the situation, and in this case, having an "open door policy" that’s neither open or professional is wrong. if i’m going to be punished and considered a threat when i’m giving constructive criticism, i’m not going to stick around. i understand that i’m disposable; i think they’ll probably make an example out of me and i’m okay with that.

enough about work.

i am so skinny. it’s all knees and elbows and hip bones over here. any more weight and i’ll look really bad. i’m almost back to the weight i was when i dated heath. i’m at 132.9 and dropping almost every couple of days. i love trying on bathing suits. i’m eating so much food it’s insane. i’m starting to get a little concerned and i have a doctor’s appointment on monday. but yeah, 132.9.

things with eric are so wonderful. they’ve been awesome for the last month or so. hardly any fights, we’re going out often, and i am so close to him it scares me sometimes. i love the way he curls up to me and wraps his arms around me while he’s sleeping. i love the taste of his mouth, how excited he is for our trip, the way he supports me on my decisions. we went to the coast a few weekends ago and he told my mom, "you know i’m stealing ashley from you, right?" and she smiled and said, "yes, and it makes me sad but i’m so happy it’s you."

she absolutely loves him. this conversation follows a drunken "you’re going to be my son in law!" during fiesta. i don’t know if we’ll get married, but i am closer to eric than i ever imagined being with anyone. when i take a step away from the situation, it’s easy to see that eric has become a source of stability for me. i love him. i love him so much.

🙂