03/19/2012

it’s raining here. we’re in a rainy pattern year so far. it’s going to be green and buggy and the last time summer was like this was the summer before i moved to colorado. there are already june bugs and we found a tarantula in our drive way last week. it was huge and exciting and it made me miss being a little kid.

time is flying so fast. i can’t believe march is half way over. i can’t believe i’ll be 24 this year. but less on passing time and more on the present, i guess.

eric and i had a long discussion about some pretty heavy stuff today. i found out a while ago he bought a hooker last time he was in vegas. he also divulged that he bought a hooker for his dad, but "nothing really happened" between his dad and the hooker. i sort of left it at that because i was so shocked and it was before we dated. we were talking about vegas today and i was asking him about the people in vegas and i casually asked him what his hooker looked like and then we shifted into where it happened. i found out his dad was in the room and his dad was "preoccupied" with his own hooker, which was way more than eric let on at first.

eric bought these hookers. it’s not like his dad made a terrible decision and cheated on his wife on his own accord, eric helped him. eric stammered a couple of excuses ("i was drunk", "my dad is so manipulative", "they offered us a ride and we were tired and carrying water") but honestly, nothing makes up for eric allowing something like this to happen. he is just as much at fault, if not more at fault, than his dad is because he didn’t try to stop it. he didn’t care. on top of everything, it absolutely disgusts me that eric and his dad were receiving sexual favors in the same room. i want to kill eric’s dad. i don’t understand how, as a parent, you can manipulate your kids or put your kids in a position like that. he is so selfish. i don’t know how eric can even look at his mom.

this comes after a conversation this morning in which he told me he started hooking up with erin because she had a nice body, not because he found her attractive or because he had intentions of dating her. this hits a sore spot for me because of everything that happened with tom. if eric respected his mom or his sister, he wouldn’t have been running around trying to hook up with random girls for shits and giggles. he wouldn’t have been trampling feelings and walking away without any problem. it is wrong to pressure someone to sleep with you and then refuse a relationship because that person has slept with you too early. it’s what happened with tom and i, it almost happened with heath, and eric told me that if i had slept with him initally  he probably wouldn’t have dated me.

but why? that doesn’t make any sense. why would you ask and then get what you asked for and walk away? don’t they see that as a woman, i’m doing that for them, not because i’m comfortable but because i’m bombarded with sexuality all the time and i think that’s what they want and he’s asking me to and i should just do it because what if i don’t and he never calls? but what if i do it and he never calls either because i’m suddenly a slut and untrustable?

i’m not expecting perfection. i’m not looking for someone without a past because i understand that people like that don’t exist. i’m not claiming that i’ve never been promiscuous or i haven’t fucked shit up and made poor decisions, but i do most of what i do with the best intentions. i stand up for things i believe in. i would confront my dad and be honest with myself and pick apart the situation until i found out why, in that moment, i wasn’t respecting myself or my family or the sanctity of marriage.

if eric and i stay together and have kids a million years from now, his dad will never come near our kids. on holidays, sure, but i’ll moniter every word out of his mouth and the second i hear "faggot" or "nigger" or "bitch", i will snatch my kids up so fast and never allow him to see them again.

eric defends his mom by telling me she never did anything to him and she didn’t know his dad said things he said and acted the way he did. she is at just as much fault for the way eric is as eric’s dad and eric. she’s his mom, she should’ve known, she should’ve tried, and she should’ve fucking opened her mouth. she should’ve stood up for herself and her kids and for morals and for the christianity she clings to.

what is christianity without love and acceptance? how can you allow your husband, of all people, to teach your kids to hate and disrespect and segregate themselves from people who don’t see things exactly as you do?

i can’t stand it. today was the last straw regarding eric’s family. i’m afraid that i’ll say something and it’s not my place. it’s eric’s.

eric’s past concerns me. there’s a lot of unkindness and womanizing and stupid stuff that actually isn’t so stupid and it’s all been surfacing. i know i can’t base things on eric’s past. he has made so much progress as a person. i feel, deep down, that he is a good person. there are so many red flags.