03/13/2012

for the first time in years, maybe ever, i took a shot at the doctor’s office alone today. it was a steroid shot in my butt and it hurt so bad and it’s strange, but this is the biggest sign in ages that i’m an adult. be forewarned — it hurts like a mother fucker.

i miss my life on OD. i feel a disconnect between myself when i don’t write or i don’t have time to write. it’s the easiest way to connect with myself and i’ve been feeling more and more out of touch.

work is incredibly busy. eric and i booked our trip to vegas for may 22nd and on the 24th we fly from vegas to san diego until june 1st. it’s going to be an awesome and well-deserved vacation, but i’m still worried about us.

i don’t really want to write about it because i hate writing about shitty stuff and i still can’t figure out if it’s him or me or living together or all of the above, but i spend a lot of time wishing things would go back to the way they were. some days i feel like i’ve incapacitated him more than he was to begin with; other days i feel like i’ve worn him down mentally. either way, i’m not winning and he isn’t either.

i am so irritable all the time. i don’t know if it’s my anemia, i don’t know if i’m depressed, i don’t know if i’m just worn out. i typically know myself inside and out, so having this many unknowns is even more stressful.

i keep hoping that in time, eric and i will mesh things togther. i talk to friends about it and they assure me that sometimes it takes a bit of time to work out schedules and boundaries.

it is so typicallly me to have someone who treats me so wonderfully and desire something else. i absolutely despise and disrespect myself for this. i’m trying to flip it, to remind myself of what i have.

when it comes down to it, i need to grow. i need someone to show me things instead of always showing eric things. he’s always asking how to do things and why things are a certain way and to explain other things and i appreciate his curiousity, but i wish he’d take the initiative to learn them himself. i wish he didn’t rely on me so much. i wish it was more of an intellectual partnership than me leading the way. i think if i could be patient it would be wonderful, but my patience is wearing thin and my feelings reflect that.

i feel lost.

i’ve lost fifteen pounds. i will undoubtedly lose more as i continue to work as much as i am. it doesn’t bring me the joy it used to.

tell me something good.