02/25/2013

dear tom,

i’m writing to you because i’ve been reading about when i loved you. i don’t know who i was then and i don’t know why i wanted you so bad. you once said you gave everything to a girl and she stopped appreciating it and you left. i don’t know what you were working with when we were "together", but i can imagine she crushed you. no one could’ve replaced her.

maybe i was too selfish. maybe i was thinking too much about how badly you were hurting me and i wasn’t thinking about how much pain you were in. you were always honest with me. you asked me the first night i met you what i was looking for, and i replied that i wasn’t looking for anything. i thought i could win you over, i thought i would say whatever you wanted to hear. i wasn’t true to myself and i spent the next seven months trying to convince both of us that it was supposed to work. the amount of emotional pain i put myself through was enough to convince me that you were worth my wait.

looking back on all of it now, i realize i was looking for anyone with the time to be kind to me and help me straighten out who i was. i was looking for someone to love me because so many people haven’t loved me. i was trying to fill my voids with you. i was hoping that one day you would want whatever it was i wanted with you in return.

maybe one day you’ll text me. maybe one day you’ll look for me. maybe you won’t and we had those moments that i cling to not because you were there, but because i was there and it was all so difficult for me and i wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you and me.

love,

me