02/25/2012

i hate unsigned notes. i especially hate unsigned notes when it’s obviously people who don’t frequent my diary. i suppose i could stop unsigned notes, but sometimes people leave unsigned notes that actually benefit me, even if they’re a little hard to swallow.

that being said, i didn’t jump into moving in with eric expecting my feelings to shift. i use the word shift because they have shifted. they haven’t dissipated (which is one my of favorite words. you can almost feel the verb in the word), they haven’t run away — they’ve just changed a bit in ways i didn’t expect them to.

i’ve never lived with someone i’ve dated because i’ve always been afraid to. i am, for the most part, someone who scoffs when two people move in together. maybe that makes me a hypocrite. at the same time, if it’s meant to be it’s going to sort itself out no matter what. sure, i may have made a mistake moving in with eric…but what if it’s not a mistake? what if it’s a growing and learning experience? isn’t that what life is about?

sometimes i feel selfish about the way i view partners and friends. i look at everyone i meet as an opportunity to grow and learn new things. i use people for their knowledge and experience. i think this is one reason i’ve always gotton on better with older people. they’re like entities of super extreme knowledge.

but maybe that’s wrong. i’m not saying that a partner shouldn’t challenge you, but at what point will i stop searching for new things to learn in the person i’m with and just  be with that person?

i never had doubts about moving in with eric, for what it’s worth. i love eric. i still cherish waking up next to him, i still watch him sleep, i still sing and dance around and make brownies and appreciate the immense love he’s always giving me. this isn’t really about eric at all. it’s about me and a new thing and an opportunity to grow in a way i hadn’t planned on growing.

if anything, i see eric as my closest, incredibly hot best friend who wakes me up with chai lattes and does my laundry for me when i’m at work. he is the best, most honest person i’ve ever dated.

when i found out he read my diary, he answered immediately and didn’t make excuses. he’s known about my diary for a while and he just looked at it for the first time. he wasn’t upset with me about anything, which is more than i can say for myself because however unfair it would’ve been, i would’ve been angry if i found things of a similar nature from his past. he apologized about a million times and yes, it was right for me to be angry and it was wrong of him to look, but i don’t think he had bad intentions.

i’ve been honest with him about my feelings as well. i’ve told him i’m frustrated and put out and tired and worried about us. when it comes down to it, that’s all i can do. express myself and hope things go back to normal. i don’t doubt they will and i don’t really doubt that eric will grow into an incredible man.

thank you all so much for the notes about patience and normalcy. i appreciate that i didn’t get a bunch of, "oh, break up with him" notes and i love that you guys understand these tangled feelings. thanks 🙂