02/24/2012

eric read my journal. he knows i’ve had it and he claims he read it to "remind himself" how i felt about him, but either way it’s not okay with me. he read through tom, conor, and himself which is a ton of entries and i feel violated and angry. when he asked me to read from it a while back, i told him that these were my most private thoughts and if he ever read it i’d be furious. i was/am/don’t really know how to feel about it all. yes, i feel like he violated my trust, but i think he hurt himself more by reading it all because i can’t even imagine what it’s like to read so much about someone you love loving someone else.

on top of that, my feelings are changing. i wasn’t anticipating it and i don’t want it to happen, but since we’ve moved in together the amount of pushing, stress, and lack of space has shifted my feelings. i don’t want him to touch me as much, i’m tired of saying i love you a trillion times, and his neediness has really gotten to me. he just needs me all the time. i want him to need me sometimes, but i can’t be all the emotional stability and the only adult in our relationship.

i’m giving it some time. he’s now working at a bar on the river walk so i’ll see him less and i’ll be able to do more things on my own, but honestly, i feel so overwhelmed and guilty for these feelings.

it’s all the talk about forever, maybe. i love eric and if i was ready to settle down i’d be okay with stuff like that. i’m not ready for that. it’s not that it’s him, it’s just that i can’t honestly fathom forever with someone, and i especially can’t fathom forever starting now, even if marriage didn’t come for  five – ten years.

margene once told me that healthy relationships are built on great friendships — that feelings change, lust fades, and those tingly butterflies don’t come around forever. i’m hoping that this will pass because eric is so good to me and i do love him, but i’m tired of feeling irritated.

work is fantastic. i’m meeting awesome people, i’ve been offered several new jobs, and one creepy stalker man sat at the bar staring at me for six hours yesterday, exclaiming to my coworkers that i had "the most beautiful rosy cheeks" (on my face) he’d ever seen.

i facebook stalk lame tom and see new pictures of him. he doesn’t look as good as i remember and i can’t wait to run into him in april at fiesta events. i, honestly, look great these days. my hair is super soft, i’m ten pounds lighter, and i’ve been stocking up on cheap, cute clothes.

i don’t know what to do about eric. when i talk to him about feelings and going with the flow of things instead of dictating futures, his face falls and he asks me questions about the stability of our relationship. all i want is space. a little bit of space and when i ask for that, he has no idea how to do it and instead tells me he’s sorry over and over and repeats that he loves me. he’s always trying to pull me to him and all i want is to breathe and do things without having to tell him where i’ve been. it’s the freedom that i took advantage of when i was single.

man.