01/23/2013

maybe the hardest part of ending a relationship is no longer having a sounding board to bounce your entire day off of. eric was my best friend for almost a year. we shared everything, every space, every minute detail of our days. when we broke up and i fell into alan, i forgot that eric didn’t have anyone. we met for coffee tonight and he chattered endlessly about work, drinking, pictures, girls, plays, family, friends, problems. he talked about his lack of space at home, his need for alone time, his constant conflict in thought. i remember why i dated eric. he’s so beautiful and tall and i thought i could ignore the simple conversations and guide him to wherever i thought i could. i made a ton of mistakes. things are different now and i’m not looking for someone to mold.

if anything, seeing eric and listening to him talk about fights and drunken mishaps made me miss alan and everything we talk about. as i looked at eric’s tiny, pudgy hands, i wanted alan’s big, rough, dark and powerful hands. i wanted alan’s low voice, his calm, his dark eyes and varied vocabulary.

i can’t imagine my life any other way than it is now. i can’t imagine being in colorado. i can’t imagine living any differently than i am in this second. the weather is balmy, i’m baking gluten free banana chocolate chip muffins, i’m waiting for alan to come home from work, and i have doubles the next two days. i am busy, i’m happy, i am so comfortable with who i am.

i can’t imagine my life without alan. i don’t know when i realized this and i think it sort of snuck up on me, but he is such a part of me now. i never thought we’d date this long. there is something about constant caresses and compliments and delicious filipino food. there are so many facets and so many complexities between us and i want to see everything grow.