01/19/2014

if i could replay these last few days over and over in my head i would.

i can’t believe my feelings. it’s so sudden but not sudden at all. we’re at the cocktail event and you’re eating a pretzel and i can’t have any but i’m frustrated when you won’t share it with me because you don’t want me to be sick. i take a bite anyway and you are angry and you say loudly, "i love you!"

we both stop and i give you an awkward look and i instantly regret the look and you apologize and i assure you i understand.

because i do understand. i’ve felt it welling up in both of us and all the time we spend together is so fun and carefree and perfect that it’s impossible to feel any other way but this way.

we’re eating tater tots and you’re looking at me and i ask what you’re looking at. you tell me you have feelings for me and we both laugh and discuss last night. you say it’s too soon but is it? we’ve said the same thing at the same time at least three times in the last two weeks. we are so different but are we? you talk about discipline and i talk about hedonism with a little bit of moderation but what if we gravitated to the middle together? i ask you if you think we’re sustainable and you say for the near distant future but you’re not thinking about long term and i’m not either. i don’t want huge commitments. i don’t want weird promises and stifling expectations. i don’t care if you love me. it won’t change what i’m looking for or my plans. i don’t care if i love you if i really think about it. it seems too serious to explain what we’re doing but maybe it doesn’t have to be hard. maybe this is how it works. we’re at a cocktail event today and i look terrible and there are beautiful girls everywhere and i don’t care if you look at them. if you look at them that’s your deal and i would simply not stand for it because it’s not my issue.

all of these people in my past, or maybe my inability to think otherwise, who checked out other girls and pined after other girls, i see now that it wasn’t my problem. i didn’t need to change. we’ll want to be together or we won’t be. it’s so simple and i can’t believe i’ve over thought every relationship i’ve had.

it’s everything in between the conversations too. it’s the barge ride with the ginger beer and whiskey. it’s the cocktail conference events. it’s the upcoming trip to durango. it’s our aimless wandering through downtown to kill time. it’s the way you grab my ass. it’s how much you want me and how much i want you when we kiss and i can’t wait to feel your fingertips on my skin. it’s your big bedroom eyes when you look at me over lunch and say, "i am so happy to be dating you, ashley. i love the time we spend together."

this is good.