01/04/2013

this is my "new year" entry, a little late and i can’t promise it isn’t going to be whiny but i can promise there aren’t going to be any resolutions because, let’s get real, i never keep them anyway.

i’m serious about this entry being whiny.

2012 wasn’t a good year for me. it was stressful and real and it snapped me into adulthood. it wasn’t pretty. i yelled, threw things, cried on bathroom floors, kicked eric out, paid all of my own bills, bought a car, got my nipples pierced (on election night!), lost weight, gained five pounds, lost it again, walked out of a job, moved all by myself, made new friends, lost old friends, lost my best friend, made a new best friend, tried acid, and started drinking whiskey. i don’t know if this year will be better and all my positive thoughts could either whisk me into the best year of my life or push me face first into an even worse year. i felt like i had no control over my life this year, and i don’t know if that’s due to the realization that i honestly have no control of my life or if i was completely overwhelmed by adulthood.

i feel like i’m missing something. i don’t know how to explain it other than a constant feeling of inadequacy.

2012 was the first year of my life i felt  beautiful. i have waited my entire life to feel beautiful and i felt so incredibly beautiful, especially on new year’s eve at rickel’s party. i looked beautiful new year’s eve. i know how this comes across, but i feel entitled to indulge myself about it. everyone at rickel’s party, guys and girls, were taken by me. i have never received so many compliments in such a small period of time in my life and it felt good and i felt deserving.

but it’s still there, always. this horrible nagging feeling that i’m not enough for myself or for my parents or for alan. it doesn’t matter that his ex girlfriend isn’t attractive because i am jealous of what she was to alan and who she is, even though i don’t know her. i feel like i’m not enough for alan intellectually or socially and i am definitely not hip enough. i don’t know anything about movies or most music. i hate classic literature and i would cut off my fingers before i willingly read poe. i’m so freaked out that his friends won’t like me or think i’m smart and i’m caught up trying to present myself as more than i am.

i always thought that when i found a person who was most of what i was looking for, as close to perfect for me as possible, i would cherish that person and accept the love that he gave me.

but i can’t. i am still pushing and i am fighting every single step of this. i am finding tiny things wrong with alan and i am breaking him down and i don’t want to break him down, but i can’t help it. i am destructive to myself and my relationships and to other people.

i feel fundamentally flawed and i know we are all because we’re human, but i feel so flawed and i don’t know how to feel unbroken.

maybe i’m not ready. maybe it isn’t my time for long term relationships.

jesus, this is all so repetitive.

cheers 2013, i hope you bring me some sort of insight and peace.