January 30, 2013

We had a big fight a couple of days before Christmas and barely spoke to each other for a week. That wasn’t exactly difficult since he’s in PR and seemingly rather busy… still, the lack of him killed me. New Year’s Eve turned out to be the day I’ve been dreading since I realized I was in love with him. He learned of my dirty little secret. It was a horrible nightmarish night. At the stroke of midnight we were on the phone and he was screaming at me and saying terrible things. He has never been one to disrespect me. Very very few times has he ever raised his voice even slightly and I don’t recall him ever calling me a name. That has all changed now.

As usual, I had to make it even worse by completely fabricating this ridiculous story.I wanted him to talk to me so I could attempt to explain, but he wouldn’t. It made me so angry (hurt often equals anger, right?). The lies I told him that night were too absurd to even recount here. The embarrassment is too great even for cyberspace. Suffice it to say, in an attempt to get him to talk/listen to me, I told him I was there in PR and wanted to see him. I wasn’t. I can’t even go into the rest. Sophomoric doesn’t even come close to describing it. Ugh…

Of course I knew this would happen. So many times I wanted to tell him, but I was so afraid of losing him. Now I’ve lost him anyway and I get the added bonus of him hating me. He even called me a bitch and told me to fuck off and die… several times.

I cannot believe what I’ve done.