the first heartbroken entry
entry 1
People are telling me to write my feelings, but every thought leads me to a pit in my stomach. There’s too much to stay. How will I express everything on my mind.. let alone express the extremely deep, hard, dark, oh so complicated feelings. So. I’ll start by writing whatever is on my heart at the time I open my laptop and press play on the songs we loved to listen to.
January 29, 2020
Tonight, Douglas, tonight I miss you. I wonder if you miss me, too. I wish I knew you did. I miss our conversations. I miss knowing how you were doing. What made you happy that day, and what made you sad that day. I miss knowing you were praying for me. I miss encouraging you to go after your dreams. I miss hoping for you to want to see me. I miss how easy it was with you. Everything came naturally. Nothing uncomfortable, no awkwardness, natural…
Why did you leave. Why was I not enough, D? Why will I never be able to see myself the same, letting someone I would have died for, just walk away. I didn’t fight for you, how could I? I couldn’t. I knew you needed to leave and the best I could do was give you your keys and coat.
When you think of me, what do you think? Do you remember my smile? My obnoxious laugh? Or do you remember looking into my eyes knowing it was gone. The spark, the love, the child I used to be holding your hand inthralled in waiting for your next move.
Tonight, Douglas, tonight I hope you know I’m here and I’m hurt. You broke something inside of me that can never be repaired. I told you I wouldn’t forgive you for this and I still haven’t, D. I’m still so hurt, so betrayed, and so confused. How could you pull the tigger? It still brings me to tears remembering this nightmare every morning is AGAIN true and you caused it. You caused this. How could you? Why would you, is the more important question.
I wanted to marry you, Douglas. You told me the same, we sat at the hightop table in Bj’s Brewhouse as we both told each other this was for real. I told you, I wasn’t messing around, this wasn’t just a four year “fling”. This was future, and you agreed. How could you? What changed. Who changed? Why did you change. You were perfect before you turned into this man I barely knew. A man I couldn’t please, I couldn’t even get you to crack a smile. The way you looked at me, god, the way you looked at me, gone. D, it was all gone, it was wrong. Why was it so wrong so fast.
So tonight, as you can see, I’m flustered. I’m hurting. I miss you. I miss us. I hope you do too, D.