Wedding “Bliss”

It seems like *everyone* around me is getting married. We went to more weddings in the past year than I would have cared to and will be going to even more this year. At the very least, there are a couple, both last yr and this that we missed/will be missing.

Don’t get my wrong, I’m happy for each and every one of the couples, especially my best friend and her new fiance, who will be getting married in Spring of ’10.

But at the very same time, I have decided that I absolutely *hate* going to weddings. Mostly because….well, it sounds awful…but because I am not, nor am I engaged or even close to becoming engaged. And I can thank the woman I refer to as my mother-in-law, (Nick’s mom), because she failed two marriages, one to his father, and then another and I really don’t think Nick ever got over that. And I’m sure that’s not the only reason he "doesn’t believe in marriage" but it still gets my number one vote.

And it doesn’t help that we are constantly questioned as to when we are getting married. Or, did I mention, that my boss assumes we are engaged. Teaching at a parachial school and living with and having a child with someone whom I am not married to…..I just let that assumption roll.

I made a comment to Nick one summer day when we were taking a walk about when would I get a ring and he said when I got a job anf started paying off my college loans, because he doesn’t want to marry into debt. Well, I’m doing both. But, at the same time, I am *always* broke, so I’m sure it doesn’t give him much inclination to want to marry into my "financial burdens" anytime soon. It’s so frustrating. I’m "broke" because I pay the bills in order to live. It’s not like I’m broke and falling behind on payments, because I’m not.

His younger brother got married this past June and this April, his older brother is getting married. This wedding coming up is in Cancun and is putting a major stress on not only my bank account, but our relationship, because of my not having the money for the room and airfare *when he has his money*.

Christmas put a toll on my bank account, as well. But not as big as it did last year, as I cut back considerably, which was really hard for me to do.

Nick has also told people, when asked when are we getting married: "We can barely get together enough money for Ray’s wedding in Cancun…how are we supposed to pay for our own?" It’s true, actually, but it really makes me hurt inside.

I feel like such a bad person for just having this feeling of disgust when it comes to weddings. I want to be over-the-top happy about them, I really do. But it pretty much makes me just about burst in to tears at the thought of them, because I feel like my day will never come.

At the very least, it would make me beyond happy to get that ring. To know that the committment is there and we will indeed get married. We could even set a date for a couple years off. Whatever.

And it sounds awful, again, but this is something Nick has known from the start–even before I got pregnant. I hate my last name. Not because of who it came from, but because of what it stands for and the representation it holds in my mind, on my life. I cannot wait to get rid of it. And I hate the fact that my daughter has a different last name than me. I can’t stand making an appointment for her at the doctor’s office and having to correct them in order to get it right.

I know I need to have faith and to be patient. But how long, really, will I have to wait? What is so wrong with me that I don’t deserve to be truly happy and married???

Til next time, I bid you adieu. Ciao, bella.