The Beginning

The beginning of this journal. The beginning of a new year. The beginning of a new journey in my life. A new beginning.

As I said in my bio, I used to blog a lot. I wrote about everything–really. And the last couple of years, I haven’t. Mostly because I’ve been so bust with, well….life. But also because when I wrote, I felt like I couldn’t even be honest on the pages, because people who read me judged me. And honestly, what’s the point of writing if I have to be censored.

I should point out that I could care less about being judge by complete strangers. And even, to a point, by the people who know me. But it becomes a problem when people in my real life take what I write on my pages and bring it into situations and conversations within the every day and make judgements and accusations based upon what they have read–based upon what I have written.

But writing is something that really lets me loose. It lets me get everything thats on my mind out. Everything I feel like I cant say out loud. Because a lot of times, that happens. Writing is just easier for me. It always has been. I should be able to say out loud a lot of things that go on inside my head, but for some reason, I just can’t. No matter how hard I try.

And I love writing. Most times, I just let myself go and hundreds of words later, realize I’ve gone on for so long that I’ve probably made a mess of my thoughts anyways, because I just let my thoughts flow out of my fingers without cause. That’s what I love about writing. It’s a passion.

And I am a passionate person. Honestly, if I get an idea in my head, it’s hard for me to let something go without follow through. (Although I’ve come to realize that I’m not the greatest person on follow-through when it comes to big ideas, no matter how much I’d like to be.)  For instance, at Christmas this year, my boyfriend’s cousin got a min-pin and it is just the cutest thing ever. He made a comment about how we should get one, because we can house train it, so basically, it’s like a cat he’s not allergic to. So of course, now I have this idea in my head that we are going to get a min-pin come summer, when I am off work. Only…..dogs aren’t allowed in our apartment….so what, though, right? It’ll be just like a cat. It’s the idea of getting one that I can’t let go of.

I’m on the Catholic Schools Week committee at my school and we are planning a potluck dinner and sock hop on that Tuesday night. On Wednesday we are planning a Carnival. That’s a lot to undertake in addition to my day to day teaching, as well as my own life. I’m nervous that I won’t come through. Being a failure at something makes me feel like crud and I’m so scared that’s what it will come down to.

This new year has given me a new sense of ownership in my life. I should have become a stronger person when I gave birth to my daughter, and in more ways than I realize, I’m sure I have. But I also feel like I haven’t been the mother I should be to her. I’ve given myself a deadline….well, I guess my boyfriend, as well, though it’s more for me than an ultimatum for him. I’ve decided that by January of 2012, if Nick and I are not engaged or married, then I will take matters into my own hands and go through the legal mess of changing my last name to be the same as my daughters. She will start kindergarten that year and she will not start school with a different last name than me….it’s just not going to happen.

Ironically, (and maybe I’ve been under a rock), I just heard the other day that the world is supposedly going to end in 2012. Even more ironically, on Nick’s 30th birthday. And let me tell you, I’m not sure that I buy into that whole thing even a little bit. I’m not saying I believe it to be 100% a fallacy; I’m just saying I’m not sure and my beliefs are leaning the other way. And anyways, upon further thought process, my deadline may just have to be 2011, because my daughter will begin 4 yr old kindergarten that yr……

I can’t believe Christmas break is over. It went by entirely too fast. Dinner is the oven, but I’m sure I’ll write more again later. It’s an addiction for me. And a far better addiction than what some others in the world are addicted to, I might add.

Til next time, I bid you adieu. Ciao bella.