April 30

Here I am.. thinking about him again. Honestly when am I not at this point. It’s so frustrating being so far apart. Knowing he doesn’t care about me nearly as much as I care about him. It’s so hard putting myself out there but with him it was comfortable from the start. Which honestly sucks because I’m used to having walls and taking lots of time to develop feelings but with him it’s different. There were never any walls and my feelings developed almost immediately. I wish I knew a way to stop thinking about him. That’s the worst part. I partly told him my feelings and he kind of said he felt the same. But it’s hard to know if that’s real or just part of the game. I’m so sick of games. My whole entire life all I’ve been doing is playing games and I’m so over it. I want something real. With him. There’s this other guy who has been a part of my life for about 3 years now. I used to feel this way about him, and now when I get a message from him it doesn’t even faze me. 3 years of feelings just gone. I feel like such an idiot for falling this hard. Words can’t even describe how dumb I feel honestly. But I don’t know how to stop. Everyday my feelings just get deeper and I can’t get out. With all this time spent at home now I’m left alone with my thoughts almost all the time and they never stop. I just wish they would stop. They’re constantly telling me that he doesn’t care. Move on. Thats my gut feeling. But then he’ll say something to make it seem like he does care. A lot. And it just confuses me even more.

Maybe that’s it. Maybe I can’t stop thinking about him because the game he’s playing. Making me confused so I think about him. Unless I’m over thinking that too and he’s not even thinking about me at all. And that’s why it’s confusing. Because he doesn’t care.

I just don’t understand. I’ll leave his message on open and he’ll tell me how long I left it open for. So he obviously notices and keeps up with the time, and no one does that if they don’t care. At least that’s what I tell myself. He asks me how my day was. He compliments me all the time. He says I make him laugh. He says he likes talking to me. He tells me what he wants to do to me. All the signs point that he likes me back. So then why are my messages on delivered when he’s active. Why would he tell me “fuck relationships”. Why would he talk to me about how he talks to “too many” other girls but they’re boring to talk to but he’d “feel bad” if he didn’t reply to them. It’s so frustrating.

And the worst part (maybe not the worst but its up there) is that I wasn’t even that attracted to him when we first started talking. Sure, he was cute but not my type at all. What really got me in deep is his personality. Which is worse because that makes me know its not just lust. Going back to the other guy (3 years), that was purely lust. I hate his personality. Hate it. But I would still think about him all the time solely because I was so attracted to him. I can’t say the same about this guy though. I love talking to him. And of course now I think he’s so attractive so its hard. It really is. Fuck