Musings

These last 4 months have been extremely tough on my heart and mental state. I have been suffering from cognitive dissonance. To those of you who don’t know what cognitive dissonance means, it is basically having two thoughts that contradict each other and makes it difficult for you to come to a conclusion about a certain issue. Aside from cognitive dissonance, I also suffer from anxiety and depression.

The pain that I have been through and if I were to be completely honest, am still going through right now is unimaginable. What makes it even harder is the fact that no one truly understands how I feel or why I still feel this way. It’s like all my traumas that have stemmed from childhood has resurfaced and I feel like I am so close to drowning.

Despite these feelings, I am still working on myself and doing the inner work to keep myself from going on a downward spiral. I have been watching a lot of videos on mental health, mental wellness, mindfulness practices, videos on healing and coping and other similar videos that might actually help me get out of this dark hellhole. I have been keeping myself busy with work but not to a point where I have completely forgotten about living. I also started working out again to keep myself healthy and to help boost my endorphins. In addition to those, I have also started going out with friends more, spending money on facials and other treatments to make myself feel better.

All of these things that I have been doing to keep my mind off the pain I am feeling do work but of course, there are still moments where I would fall into that dark place again. I feel like I am in this cycle where sometimes I feel like I am doing okay and then poof! Back to square one but not totally square one if that makes sense?

I don’t know what to do, honestly. I am starting to wonder if I will ever get out of this misery or if this is just the cards I was dealt with.