up and down and up and down again

            Obviously I had a pretty bad Labor Day weekend after Brian & I ended things Friday night.  I was mopey & miserable the whole time (& it didn’t help that the weather was shitty) & I didn’t go to the bar once.  Then on Tuesday, I decided that I wanted to talk to Brian & tell him that I’d changed my mind.  I was gonna tell him that I realized I don’t want a serious relationship either b/c I’m not totally over Matt yet so if he just wanted to “see each other”, I’d be ok w/ that. 

 

            So that afternoon, I texted Brian & asked him if he knew who was bartending that night b/c I still had to pay my tab from Friday night (long story).  He said he wasn’t sure but he’d let me know if he found out & that maybe he’d see me there later.  But I never heard back from him so I just stayed home.

 

            On Wednesday I accidentally called Matt.  I still haven’t figured out how to get his number off my speed-dial on my house phone, & when I went to call Jim, I hit the wrong button.  When he answered, I told him I’d called him by mistake & he said OK & we hung up. 

 

            But a little while later he called me back so I explained that his # was still on my speed-dial.  We ended up talking for almost ½ an hour about random stuff.  He asked how things were going w/ Brian so I gave him the short version of the story.  Then he told me that he’d met someone at his new job.  She’s 22 & he’s her supervisor, so he’s not sure how it’s gonna work out.  I was surprised that I actually *wasn’t* upset.  I think maybe if he’d told me they were dating already, then I might’ve been, but that wasn’t the case.

 

            After we hung up (we said we’ll try to catch up again soon, we’ll see how that goes), I decided I had to talk to Brian right away, before I lost my nerve.  So I texted him & asked him if he was busy later on b/c I wanted to talk to him about something (I said “it’s nothing bad lol”).  He texted me back that he was at his friend’s house but he’d call me when he left there.

 

            He called me around 9:30 & picked me up & we went to a park near my house.  He asked me what I’d wanted to talk about & since I’m not good w/ all the relationship convos, it took me a while to get it out.  I finally told him how I felt, but he wasn’t as enthusiastic about it as I’d hoped he’d be.  He said “yeah but if you saw me at the bar w/ another chick, you’d totally flip out.  And I’d be jealous if I saw you w/ another guy too, I’d have to go over there & break it up.”

 

            Somehow we ended up kissing & that led to other stuff which led us to my house.  We messed around for a while & watched some TV, & he left around 12.  We didn’t come to any conclusion about our situation tho, of course.  The next day I went to the bar as usual (Thurs night ya know!), not sure if I’d see Brian or not.  He showed up a little while later w/ a few friends, so we said hi but that was it.

 

            A little while later I went over to where he was (at the dumb MegaTouch machine of course) & rubbed his back a little bit.  He joked w/ me about something, but there was no kissing or anything else.  Finally my friends had left & he was leaving to go smoke pot w/ his friends before he went home, so we said goodnight. 

 

    

        I was a little buzzed so once I got home I texted him “u should come by my house after you’re done smoking. U down w/ that?”  He texted me back & said no ‘cuz he was calling it an early night.  We texted back & forth a few times, & he basically said we’re not together anymore & that’s that.  I was pretty pissed but luckily I passed out before I could get really upset.

 

            The next day (Fri) I decided to write him a long email about how I was confused, b/c things had gone pretty well on Wed & then he kinda blew me off on Thurs.  I basically told him that I thought he was ending it w/ me b/c he was scared b/c he realized he really liked me but was afraid he’d end up hurt again & that I thought that was a dumb reason.  He wrote me back & said that it’s not me, he just doesn’t want to deal w/ relationship crap right now & that he’s not gonna change his mind.  He said he’d thought maybe we could just “see each other” but that he realized it wouldn’t work b/c I want “more” than he does.

 

            Of course I was pretty upset by that, & I realized that there’s no way we can still be friends, b/c we were never really friends anyway.  Whenever we were together, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other & it’d be too hard for me to try to be friendly w/ him if I still had feelings for him.  So when I ended up going to the bar later that night, I *completely* ignored him, barely even looked in his direction & acted like I didn’t even know him (& he didn’t come over to me at all either).

 

            I saw him again at the bar this past Sun when I was w/ my sister, & again we totally ignored each other.  I didn’t go back to the bar again ‘till Thurs, w/ Kalie, Kerry & her friend Jess.  He showed up w/ his friend P, & they stood at the bar across from the table I was sitting at w/ the girls.  I’d told Kerry & Jess the whole story before he got there, so they proceeded to act dumb & girly, & pretend they were making fun of the size of his dick, which kept me laughing.

 

            But then 2 chicks showed up that I’d never seen before, & went right up to Brian & P & Brian’s other friend S.  I wasn’t *that* upset, b/c I know he’s got TONS of girl friends.  But the fact that I’d never seen the girls before made me a little unhappy, ‘cuz I figured maybe he’d just met them & was trying to get w/ 1 of them.  The 5 of them walked past us to get a table in the back & then a few min later another chick I didn’t know joined them.

 

            I noticed that Brian was sitting a little bit away from the table, but I didn’t want to stare over there & have him see me looking.  Kerry & Jess told me that while he’d been standing at the bar w/ P, he’d looked over at us a bunch of times, & I told them I hadn’t noticed b/c I was sitting sideways towards Kerry so I could try to ignore him.  I walked past him to go to the bathroom at 1 point, but I refused to look at him so I dunno if he looked at me.  (I know, this is very high school, but whatever.)

 

            Well there’s more to tell, but this entry is very long so I’m gonna end it here for now.  I will try to get my next update in sooner, I’m a BAD blogger, lol.  Take care everyone, ‘till next time…