not a real update, just some random thoughts

what difference does it matter what he did in the past? the past should stay where it is, shouldn’t it? why do i need to know what happened back then? why do i constantly wonder if 1 of his girl "friends" was ever more than that to him? i see melissa look at him sometimes & i wonder if shes jealous of me, b/c she wants to be w/ him instead of w/ mike.

does it matter how many girls he fucked before he met me? i’m quite sure it’s a lot, & i can guarantee i prolly don’t want to know the exact number.

what right do i have to get upset over finding pictures of him & his ex still up on her profile when they’ve been broken up for months?? i shouldn’t have been looking at her profile anyway… but why are they still myspace friends? would they still be together right now if she hadn’t moved to another continent?

i feel like i want to throw up. i shouldn’t be here, i shouldn’t be doing any of this. i should be giving myself time to heal from losing matt & from k’s rejection… but instead i’m slowly turning into a timid little girl who’s terrified of being alone, afraid of being tossed aside like just another girl he wined, dined & fucked. instead of growing up, i’m regressing. & it hurts, but i don’t know how to make it stop. or rather, i can’t find the strength in me to make it.

my best friend is an asshole to me whenever brian & i get along, but whenever brian & i are fighting, he’s kissing my ass, bringing me flowers & doing whatever he can to convince me that i should let HIM be the 1 for me. why cant he just be there as a friend, to support me & help me thru this crap? how can i be strong when i feel so goddamn alone?????

belle fleur

August 28, 2006

These are some daunting thoughts.. and yes, you often wonder, its the past why am I stressing about it? But alas, its never easy to push it at the back of your mind, push it in a box and lock it away, because it will always re-enter your mind. The “what ifs” are nasty thoughts, but for the time being think about “he’s with me now… so it should not matter”

parisblues911

ah the dreaded numbers question. while me and my ex apart he slept with a few people one turned out to be a girl i hate but he didn’t even know that i knew her and if he would have known he wouldn’t have. but you can’t change the past or take things back. you just have to deal with what you want and what he wants and try to forget about it. it’s hard i know. but i know how much more he cares..

about me than his ex’s. she finally took all his pictures of her profile and moved on i think. i try not to look at her myspace because it makes me upset. i hope that writing helped you get some things off your chest. hope to hear more from you soon. take care.

Fiery Symmetry

I’m curious as to what is going on, I hope you find some time to update soon. I am going to be blunt here. For as long as I’ve read your diary, you never seemed to be ok with being alone, so you took crap from Matt, and when the boys treated you like crap, you kept them around. I think you need to start asking yourself some tough questions. Do you like this guy. Do you really want to be with him?

Will you be ok if you are not with him. When it comes down to it, his ex’s don’t matter, what matters is if you trust each other and like each other enough to want to work at a real relationship. Losing Matt was a good thing, I’m not saying he was a bad guy, just that you two didn’t mesh well. I wish you would write a real update so I could get more of a clue as to whats going on.

Whew

Ur strong alright becuz ur still here. That guys not ur best friend u need 2 find a new one. He uses arguements between u & ur boyfriend as a chance 2 try & get w/ u then he’s not being there as a friend. If that’s ur best friend we have 2 seriously talk. I think u should spend time w/ people u can really talk 2 not some guy who’s certain he’s N love w/ u. Who’s this best friend anyway?

note 2: U should be concerned about what ur boyfriend did before he became urs 2 a degree. If he was a cheater then that’s a concern 4 u because that’s a part of his character. If he was a sleazy guy & had tons of women that’s a concern 2 becuz men rarely change N their early 20’s. & the ex’s there’s a chance she could like the picture of the 2 of them together & think she looks cute in it.

note3: They can still B myspace friends if they don’t even talk. I have my ex’s im name on my IM list 4 msn & etc but, we don’t talk. If he talks 2 his ex’s that’s scary! I dont believe u can B “friends” w/ soon after breakin up. People will never have normal friendships. I wouldn’t want my x 2 see me dressed bad or know persona bad things.Im over them though but, that’s how it is after dating.

note 4: I certainly don’t think this is something u should share w/ him so early N the relationship though. I mean this is only something u should tell 2 ur friends. He shouldn’t know about ur looking at her profile. Honestly, what girl wouldn’t want to check out their boyfriend’s ex’s profile, heck, I would even check out my ex’s profile if he had one online.

note 5: Realize though that part of the insecurity comes from how u feel about u trust me I experience it 2. But, is he friends w/ his ex’s if so thats a bit wierd. I can see how it bothers u. When men have female friends it can bother any girl but, u can’t tell him NOT 2 B friends w/ them if they were there 1st & u guys aren’t married. Instead u should try & do stuff w/ just u 2 w/out them.

neverthesame

August 29, 2006

thoughts written out are always good therapy… trust me.

Elle

I think all those things do matter…I asked myself those same questions, let them go…and low and behold he spent a romantic weekend with his ex in vegas…i should have asked those question and i should have found out the answers to them a long time ago…that’s just my personal belief