Do Better

I am struggling today.  Sitting at my desk, listening to a “Loan Documentation 101” training video.  I just started this job one week ago and I’m bored out of my mind.  I love the people I’m working with, I’m extremely thankful to have a non-entry level job and to be working for a company I can build my career with… But jesus christ I am bored.  I spent the last five years of my life working at full capacity.  I don’t even know how I got so high up and so many responsibilities in my last job… But I did, and while I certainly enjoyed the income, I was miserable.  I was always stressed and anxious.
“Did I finish that thing?” “Am I going to hit this deadline?” “I haven’t read about any new Cyberthreats this week, I’m falling behind”… Just an overall CONSUMING feeling of being BEHIND.  Too much to do, too much responsibility, not enough time.

I couldn’t take it anymore.  I took a paycut from salary to hourly… which resulted in roughly $6/hour less.  I know I’m just bored at this job right now because I’m in training.  No one has work to assign me yet, even though I know all of these laws inside and out.  I skip through the modules that I can, just to take the final assessment and pass.

I have been so excited for work since I started last Wednesday.  Every day, I’ve been excited to get here and excited to tell my son about it when I get home.  Today… I am literally nodding off and trying not to fall asleep at my desk. So. Incredibly. Bored.

I’m really disappointed in who I’ve let myself become over the last five or six years.  I’m 32 years old and still renting, barely making it paycheck to paycheck, and steadily gaining weight.  I’ve gained 40 pounds in 5 years.  I tell myself all of the time, “You know what to do, Stephanie, JUST DO IT”  right before stress eating a bag of cheetos.

This entry is just a rant… Getting things off my chest and trying to figure out what this feeling is.  Apathetic.  Lethargic.

I know everyday can’t be a good day.  I’ve been lucky to have so many good days recently… But, fuck, I just want to feel like I’m on an upward path again.  I want to feel good about myself.  I want to feel like I’m going somewhere.  I want to accomplish goals.  I want a passion project.  Hell, I just want to know what my passion really is.  I want to FEEL again… Even on good days, I am detached.  I know that I am the only one that can make these things happen.  I’m so tired. It’s hard to fight for what I want in life when I’m just so tired of fighting.

I don’t like this game anymore.