~Sharing

It’s sometimes hard to share with groups of people who don’t really know you because they don’t know where you are now in your grief all they know is how they *think they would feel themselfs if in the same shoes.

I wonder how to share about my son like we all share about things our kids did as they grew up… or use the subject of my grief without people thinking I have a NEED to talk about this or without people thinking I am still deeply hurting.

I have found of late the opportunity to share about Nathan’s Childhood. And I have found opportunity to share about my grief and how God has carried me. It’s been cool to have the opportunity to share.

Most everyone here knows I have a Child who died and that is about it. Most still give me that puppy dog look because they don’t know at what place my Journey is now. Only 4 people here know that I am not consumed, they know that I know Life Goes On (as this diary’s title once said).

In one of the Bible studies I am in, the leader mentioned yesterday and another time too that my Grief is probably still Raw. I agreed only because there is so much to be said and *THEN* wasn’t the time to enlighten her.. But Um NO.

(Raw.. I ponder that.. It can be but typically not) With each move we have done it is like *Starting-Over. I feel further and further removed from Colorado and 1996. It was another lifetime 3 *Start-Overs ago. Not to say I don’t have those out of the blue moments that happen maybe……. once a year?… but it certainly is not how I think she assumes.

I mentioned this site and she said.. “It is/was probably theraputic” Again I found myself shaking my head and yet thinking at the same time… “Um NO” (Again not the time to enlighten her).

In thinking further… I don’t know, was it? By the time I came to the OD I had 3 years of Online Grief Support.. now that was theraputic!
My main reasoning for starting this diary was to get everything (thoughts and writings) in one place. Even in hindsite, I don’t see that I ever used it as theraputic.
However, I know of people who have come to the Open Diary for various reasons, grief included and found this place to be a Blessing.

It has been cool being 14 years down the road and sharing about Nathan. It’s different.. It seems more freeing to do so. I am in such a different place now. As people get to know me they will see that.