~Reflection 2

Life has changed a lot for us. I think we became somewhat dysfunctional after Nathan died. We tended to zero in on our own grief. The three of us grieved separately. Nathan’s name is rarely mentioned, but thought of constantly though. Sarah is the one who usually makes reference to him more than Brian and I do. Just the other day she said how Nate use to eat the moist catfood on occasions . He thought it was tasty. We all laughed about that. It’s nice to verbally speak about Nathan. Everytime I mention Nathan’s name I feel tears swell up in my eyes.

After Nathan died, Sarah no longer came downstairs to the basement to tell us goodnight and give us a hug. And for me telling her I loved her became hard- I don’t know why. I think it was hard for her too. I used to read to her too, when she would let me, and when Nathan died I never read again. We all used to play board games, and when Nathan died she no longer liked to play board games. Maybe they all would of liked to of played board games, but we didn’t. We never went Hiking in the ‘Garden of the God’s’ again, after Nathan died. We always used to go sledding every year and never did it again after Nathan died. So much of our life just came to an halt.

I remember in one of my writing early on saying I didn’t know how we could ever have FUN again. The days are Few, but I have had many Fun days, days I recall that were a Blast. We have done a few things since living here, but not much. I know I have a daughter left, but some how without us being complete, it just isn’t the same. Some of the fun of doing things is gone. And she is not interested in doing very much with us.

Sarah was in the 9th grade when Nathan died and was wanting to sprout her wings. Such a hard time on top of Grief. She was sure we were on a “Power Trip” (as she put it) most of the time. I mentioned in the last Entree about her being Spoiled. Someone several months back someone said I shouldn’t say spoiled. They said I should say she is *Blessed*. She deserves all we are able to give her and do for her and allow her to do.

One day a few months back she was having a tire changed on her car and we were at the mall in a Bookstore, and she read the title of a book that said, *How to talk to your Teen*. I said, “We are past that”, she said, “I know”. That is so nice… although there are still those occasional moments, but for the most part we do alright. We also have a relationship that she can tell me anything. And she has. I am so glad she feels she can come to me. I may not always be thrilled with what I hear. But she knows I will just listen. If she asks my opinion I will give it. She is going to go to the University here this year, and I am glad about that. Don’t know what I will do when she does move away. (cry probably)

My Grandma asked one time what I planned to do with Nathan’s Clothes, I told her that I was saving them. She didn’t understand that at all. She said. “They aren’t doing anyone any good.” She’s wrong… they do me alot of good! One day when I can part with them being clothes I will make a quilt out of them.

Something I think I forgot to mention in another entree was that Nathan used to get Contact Magazine. about 6 months prior to his death I ordered 2 years worth… When those magazines would come in I would read them. When the subscriptions stopped that was one less thing I had that was apart of Nathan. Since I don’t have nathan in the flesh.. I NEED to have everything that was his forever, even if all it does is stay in a box, and I look through it once a year… Everything he owns has history about it, brings back memories. One thing that is different and I don’t care what people think if they see it, is that I have some of Nathan’s plastic green G.I. Joe Men in my kitchen cabinets… Kind of like protecting my dishes and food. LOL Grieving people find comfort in the strangest things.

~to be continued~