~Overcoming Obstacles

I debated before I left Phoenix, IF I would attend the Church in Colorado or go on my Street we all lived on.

I have avoided the Church for several reasons-
Because 2 years after my Son died, the Pastor’s 12 year old Son died. I felt the *need* to write a few long letters to the Wife telling her about my Grief behind MY WALL. I am certain what I shared was just a bit too soon for her. I was embarrassed by those actions. However, as time has past for me and for her, I am now sure she can see that I wrote from a still very much Grieving Mother’s perspective. So I now have no embarrassment (or less) for that time. I just had to let some years pass between letters I wrote.
Because
… and this is more of a Biggy than the first….. My Kids grew up in that Church. I didn’t want to see any of the Kids growing up.. My Son would always be 12 as they all aged. Had Girl Friends, Driver’s Licenses, College, Married, Kids… etc. To me it isn’t fair my Son didn’t get that chance. I miss that. I miss what I lost out on and to see it happening in others was more than I thought I could deal with. So I avoided it.

I also have avoided The Street I lived on for the same reason as #2
I recall in 1999 was the last time I visited the Street. When I saw a picture of one of the Boy’s I didn’t fair well. I saw another Boy and noticed his Voice had changed. Difficult!

Two days after I arrived in Colorado this visit, I found myself on a Saturday morning on my Old Street. I drove around the neighborhood. I noticed the Trees. My how they have grown. When we moved there in 1989 there was few Trees and/or little Trees just starting out. 16 years have passed, of course there would be some growth. As I drove around the neighborhood, I forgot to really look at our house. I glanced and that was it.

As I drove back down the street for the 3rd time, I saw one Man I had known pull into the driveway.
Ken.
His family lived next 4 houses down. Nathan and his son Taylor hung around a lot together. I parked the car. I was nervous. I could feel myself trembling. I called out his name. We greeted one another. And he invited me in.
I spent the next 90 Minutes at their house sharing about my Life in Phoenix, about my Husband and about my Daughter.  Their Son who is almost 20 still lives there. He was home. It was great to see him. He pretty much looked the same but Taller.

I asked Taylor two questions-
So, who’s idea was it to call in Pizza from your Church? Yours or Nathan’s?
He said he couldn’t recall who’s Idea it was but he would like to take credit. I also learned the full story to the Pizza incident. I always thought they called it to the Church but the REAL Story was that they Ordered it to Tyler ‘s house. Then when the Pizza arrived and Tyler ‘s Mom said that no Pizza was ordered, then the Number was traced back to the Church. Busted!
Were you a part of the Kids who roamed the neighborhood when you stayed the night in each others backyard? (Each kid denied they did this. Taylor, Gabe, Tyler and Nathan. But Taylor always said it was everyone else who did it. The rest stuck up for each other).
Taylor fessed up to being one of the ones who roamed the neighborhood. Yep he too walked to Safeway 2 miles away late at night. (You’d of though Safeway would of wondered WHY young boys are in the store at that hour).

I wasn’t as bothered by seeing Taylor as I thought I would be. In fact it didn’t bother me at all.
As I drove away it hit me that I asked NOTHING about Taylor. Did he have a Girlfriend? Was he working? Is he in College? What does he want to do Career wise, What are his Interests? I was so nervous initially about driving up there, that asking those questions totally slipped my mind… But those questions are something I have always wanted to know.
I will write the Family and thank them for their Time that Saturday Morning. I’ll give them my E-mail Address and hopefully I can get those questions answered.

A FEW DOORS THE OTHER DIRECTION, I visited with B.J. Sunday Night. (I had been by her house the day before and earlier in Sunday but she wasn’t home). She welcomed me into her house. I took about an hour or so of her evening. Her Kids haven’t live with her since about the time we moved away in 1998. Her Son moved away first and then her Daughters to live with their Dad. I shared with her about my Family and my Life in Phoenix . She shared with me about her Kids. Tyler has been to Iraq for a year and is soon going to Afghanistan. She didn’t seem to have any current Pictures of her Kids. But did say she had some on CD and would E-mail them to me. I asked if I could BUG her if she procrastinated in sending me those Pictures. She said, Yes. She has a new Boyfriend and it was nice to see her SO happy. She was very Bubbly.

SUNDAY MORNING… I decided to go to my Church . I felt I would be OK with it since the visit with Taylor went well. I called a Friend to ask what Service they would be attending. I met them there at the appointed time. What also made this visit to the Church different is they have Remodeled and added Buildings. So it was like I was in a totally different place. LOTS of new faces since we last attended almost 8 years ago.

Colorado Springs has 5 Military Bases. I saw very few people I knew and talked with even less only cause they went out a different door than I did and I missed them. 🙁 But the few I did chat with seemed to be mostly the Kids who are now Young Adults. I showed them the Pictures of Sarah and her Art Work. And of her Wedding Picture. I also talked with the Pastor and his Wife. I showed them the Picture that Sarah drew of Nathan.

While I was talking with the Pastor another man came up and wanted to speak with him. I told the Pastor I had a Drawing I wanted to show him. As I did he told the other man that I had a Boy who died. He said that he had a Bike Accident. I inserted that.. Yeah a Bike accident happened a Month earlier to his Death but that what he had died of was a Brian Aneurysm. The Pastor then said: “Didn’t they say that the Bike Accident contributed to the Aneurysm?” I corrected him and said that the Coroner said that it was IFY… The Bike Accident could of contributed but that weather or not it did, that this Aneurysm was Just a Matter of Time, with or without associated Trauma…

It just a bit Irked me to think he still thinks it is the Bike Accident.. I actually knew that SO many people think that. Everyone works through their Grief and Circumstances. I truly believe it was the Brian Aneurysm and that because of the various Facts, that the Aneurysm caused the Bike Accident. For some reason it is important to me to know I had NO control over the situation… And with this thought, this is how I worked through my Grief. Had it been the other way around, I’d of worked through my Grief another way.
Anyways it was like he was arguing with me… What does it matter? Bottomline.. he is DEAD! Besides a Mother is ALWAYS right 🙂

Being at this Church didn’t bother me at all. I wasn’t bothered at all about the Kids I saw.. I suppose it is just another Piece to my Healing.. Not to say I will ever be *ALL Better… But it is interested to see how far I have come. Who’d of ever thunk?  

Also on this Trip I saw Pictures of other kids who are all Grown up. I think the keyhere is seeing them Grown-up verses watching the Grow-up. It’s almost like they are another Kid.. Going back was Good for me at this time. I faced an Obstacle/Fear and found it was nothing to be Fearful of and it is no longer an Obstacle. They always say that the anticipation is worse…And that is so true. I have experienced that myself through this Journey but at one time I would have had trouble with seeing these people… I allowed TIME to pass and when I chose to face it, I WAS READY.