~Just Thinking

When I was in that little church, infront of me was a teen holding a baby who was sleeping. I was watching that baby. Thought about how one goes to sleep and is off in La la land, conscious of nothing. I then thought about my son who just went to sleep. I wonder if he dreamed, even after he was Brain Dead, and yet how could of he. It’s hard to imagine that he just ceased to exsist… in this life. BOOM! No more! TO SAD……

I was thinking the other day how Sarah has no one to talk childhood memories with. No Sibling, to *Remember When? She does though have a good friend who she has known for 11 years and was a big part of our lives… But now this friend is on the run from home and is living a messed up life.. She is the only other person Sarah can do *Remember When? with..

I also thought about how Sarah will never be an Aunt as far as her side… And if by some chance she was to marry Shea…. well, he is an only child. So no Aunt there either or even Uncle for him.

HOW SAD! Sadder in that had Nathan not died, Sarah would of probably gotten to be an Aunt. It should of been like that, and yet it just wasn’t meant to be.

I was thinking a few weeks ago about how every now and then it bugs me about death. I don’t understand why it is that people have to suffer. Why an 11 y/o girl is tortured till death by the neighbor boy. Why an 18 month old is beaten to death. Why children are born with sicknesses. Why people get cancer.

It is so unfair! Why is it that some are healed and some are not. Why are some people caught in the nick of time and some are not. Why some people come to their senses, and others suffer the results. I think I am much more excepting of a Sudden Death, than where someone suffered.

I don’t need answers, there are none.. Just once in a while it bugs the snot out of me thinking on it all. It doesn’t change the Faith in God that I have. Though, I will never understand the Mind of God.

Some years ago I took a Personality Test. I was mostly Melancholy and a little of everything else. I also took a Spiritual Gifts Test and I was strong in Faith, Teaching and Mercy. Last year I took these tests again and I was surprised. In the Personality Test I scored equally on Melancholy and Phlegmatic nothing in the other two. That was so weird! For the Spiritual Gifts Test I scored so low in everything just cause I just don’t care. Faith and Mercy were still up there.

Amazing how Death changes a person’s personality. For a few years now (shortly after Nathan died) I have lacked an excitement I once had and I have wondered what it is I lack… I have recently discovered what I lack, it is- *The Joy of the Lord*. I don’t seem to be able to move any further in my Walk with God. I just can’t grow any further in Him. I’m at a stand point. I’m not sure how to get past this point. I have taken a Backseat to much involvement in my Church since I have moved here such as no teaching and other activities other than two Bible Studies. In one sense I feel like I deserve this kickback time, since I took no rest when my son died.. On the other hand I feel selfish, and yet I don’t care.

……………AND LIFE GOES ON………

This has nothing to do with my Faith cause it is strong.. It has alot to do with Motivation in my Walk. I just lack an Excitement. Everyone has their Low periods in their Walk and then they come back up. But I haven’t come up yet. And until I do, my Relationship with God can not move to the next level.