~ I am Done

It’s been about 9 months since I wrote in here. I get further and further away from August 28, 1996. I think the 10 year mark sort of ended the writing here. I have a hard time coming up with a Grief thought to share. I seem to rarely have them. I rarely think about the unfairness. After 10 years I just don’t go there too often unless I make the choice to go there. I don’t think alot about that I miss him, although that doesn’t mean I don’t. I remember and yet it really does all seem like a dream. However, all that also doesn’t mean that if I do allow myself to dwell that it doesn’t grab me… YES it can still Grab me!

Since I moved here (Phoenix) 4 years ago I have attended a Grief Group. I started attending for several reasons (but in no specific order)-
1. I was new here
2. They were Christian Ladies
3. I could relate
4. I wanted other Mom’s who came to know that Life could be good again and for them to see that in me. (Many of the further down the road ladies go for this reason).

Overtime, I have met about 50 ladies or so. At least 25 came about the same or after me. All of those who came after me have since stopped coming after a few months to a year. It has been about 9 months since we have had anyone new that stayed after a few visit, so each week it is a Social thing mainly. That is ok to some degree, because we are all friends. But I don’t feel the need to go to the group for my Socialization. In some ways I feel changed to some degree in the past 18 from all the various events. In some ways I feel less Social and yet I am very Socially Involved.

In the past 6 months or there abouts, I have sat in the meeting every other week and wondered why I am there? I have skipped some to find when I went to the next one I was thinking the same thing. I know that means It Is time.

It’s like there is a Season for all things and this Season has wore out. I think I have come to the end of the Line on this Group. These people are my friends but sitting through the Clucking Session each time is not what I am interested in. I am bored beyond belief…. espcially when listening to the few who Ramble on none Grief Subjects. If we talked about what we are there for…… If we had more new people (not that I want there to be more mom’s in grief)…… then maybe, and then my purpose for being there would be fullfilling.

Some of these ladies have come for over twelve years. We have between 10-4 people who come each week.. The ladies who came this evening are all those who have come from almost the beginning.

This Summer we are planning to meet for a Dinner once a month. I will do that. But other than the various special meetings… I am done.