~Hard at Times…

Wow! Thanks to all. And special Thanks to Asoulinthinktankmode who wrote a Tribute to Nathan… 🙂

I was thinking about the 28th and such. Thinking about things that are hard for us. Thinking about how my friend in Colorado said that with Nathan’s Birthday and Heaven date in August that I should bring up and talk to my family about Nathan.. Talk about what Heaven is like for him. Talk about what he might of been doing here on earth and talk about what was…. And I told her I CAN’T.

I CAN’T possibly know for certain what he is doing in Heaven.
I CAN’T talk about what he might of been into and doing now…. That would make me sad thinking about what I feel he is missing out on.I CAN’T talk about what was and never will be again.

I have thought about how we 3 talk so little about Nathan. Brian never really did talk about him, just an occasional remark. I did for a while but sensed it was hard for Brian (although I could be wrong) and so I talked more with Sarah about Nathan then slowly tapered off, it got to the point that I cried every time I talked with her about him. Sarah talked about Nathan more but I think maybe she waited on us to do so too, and since we didn’t she rarely talks about him, (although I could be wrong).

I think about people who do things in Remembrance of their Loved One’s Birthday and Heaven Dates. We never have, it was just too painful. Although Last Summer I did say we were having Pepperoni Pizza and I made a cake in memory of Nathan’s Birthday. This year I made a cake but didn’t say why I made it. Some times I have Lit a Candle.

Alot of people release Balloons. Sometimes putting notes inside or writing on the outside. My Friend in Colorado has done that in Memory of her Daughter. She also has a Tea Party on her daughters Birthday each year and invites her daughter’s friends from like 7 years ago and they still come. Plus my friend has had triplets since her daughter died and so they talk about Lisa. Keeping her Memory alive. I admire people who do things like that.

Nathan’s memory is alive in each of our hearts, but privately. I know I think about Nathan every day some how. I see his picture every day which sits on my computer hutch.

My friend said that part of why they did all they have done, (releasing Balloons, having Tea Parties and having Heaven Celebrations) was so that her remaining two kids at that time would know that should something ever happen to them that they would not be forgotten. That Lisa’s Memory would stay alive.

I wonder what Sarah thinks about what we do and don’t do. I wonder if she thinks we have forgotten Nathan. I CAN’T ask her… It’s so hard to talk to anyone in this house about Nathan. ……. Isn’t that silly.. My OWN family and I can’t talk to them (at least without crying or feeling like I have just made them sad by the thoughts I brought up), but yet I can tell strangers, and respond to Posts and tell them all about Nathan and how I feel.

We were so good at appearing to have it all together, after Nathan died. In some ways we have done so well, amazing well. I KNOW it had to be from Jesus. And Wow! What a vast difference from 4 years later and 2 years later. I just never would of thought I would of arrived to this point. In some ways we are doing alright and in other ways we aren’t, (Just my Opinion, although I could be wrong).

And so another Birthday and Heaven Date gone by. No harder than any other past August’s, but for some reason I did think a bit more about it, maybe cause I had less things happening to occupy my Time & Thoughts.

Love to you all

Michelle