~Belongings

I just got the following Writing Via an Reminder E-mail.When I read it it reminded me of a conversation I had with an older woman on the phone from Colorado last week whom I had not talked with since Moving and only briefly since my son died. I was telling her about giving away my car with the Nathan Ninja Kick and in her Cluelessness she ~felt the need~ to tell me that giving away my car and letting go of other things that he touched or has, is no big deal, that what is most important is that Nathan is in my Heart. I tried to explain to her.. I tried to tell her that everything I have of Nathan’s or that he used, is a part of him. And when letting go of something it is one less thing I have of him. But she wasn’t listening to me. So now I think I will send the following to her, maybe it explains if better than I can.

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“If you ask a bereaved parent: “What would you have saved first (assuming that there were no people nor animals in the house) if your house was caught on fire?” My guess is that the parent’s response would be: “I’d try to save my (deceased) child’s belongings.” Ask the same question a non-bereaved parent, or anybody else, and you’ll get a completely different answer. Why? Because the bereaved parent is left with ‘lasts’, with ‘neverness’.While the non-bereaved parent will be able to take more photos of his or her children, to buy them more clothes, to receive from them another birthday card or Happy Mother’s Day card.There will be no photos again, ever for the bereaved parent. The clothes that your child last wore, are the last ones he or she will ever wear. Your child will never draw another picture, never write another letter, listen to the tapes or CD’s he so meticulously collected. Your child won’t use their hairbrush, toothbrush, or hold their favorite stuffed animal in their arms. You are left with these ‘lasts.’

Each object – a symbol, not a replacement, of your child who once touched it or produced it. You can put your hand on the place that once was touched by your child, and symbolically your hands now touch. This ‘neverness’ then, for a fleeting moment, becomes more tolerable.

We need to touch something concrete. We need to hear and see something concrete. Concrete means ‘real.’ Although holding these concrete-real objects evokes pain, it nevertheless provides comfort as well. After all, we are concrete entities, and we are parents who have a lifelong attachment to our children, alive or dead. This attachment to the child is expanded once this child has died, to the objects that represent him or her.

Keeping these last belongings – all or some – are important then to the bereaved parent. The attachment the parent feels toward these objects, which became symbolic representations of the deceased child’s life and the relationship the parent had with this child, enables the grieving parent to transcend his or her pain into a more evolved level of grieving. Which in turn facilitates the process of readjustment to living in this new reality.”

Copyight 1998. Gili’s Book, A Journey Into Bereavement For Parents And Counselors.New York: Teachers College Press, Columbia UniversityPosted by Permission of-Henya Kagan (Klein) Ph.D.
She is a bereaved mother, widow, psychologist, author, and speaker.You can learn more about Henya at http://www.kaganklein.com

Does anyone know much about the Copyright stuff Online? I just went to this address above and spotted this writing I Posted. It said that if one was to make copies and hand them out that they needed the permisson of the Author… Well I haven’t done that but I did reprint it onto my Diary and gave Henya Kagan/Klein Credit. I just want to know if that is OK or if I must get permission too.

I wrote this person last night and got a response this morning. She gave me permission to Post this and asked I link her site to it too.