Alone isn’t so bad

Well last night I decided would be a good time to sit down and just be. I let the emotion pour in, the thoughts pour in, and god It was amazing. I have been so dead for so long that I was just living day to day with the ex. I never had thoughts or a mond of my own for that matter. I felt often times I was sitting outside my body watching someone else live my life. For the first time I feel I am living my life, no matter how screwed up it is right now, its mine. I have been depressed for months now, and I have been trying to fight it the best way I know how. Well its not working, I am not feeling better and I have these thoughts of running. I do know myself, and when things get bad I am often scared to face it and I will run. I think I am most scared of losing control and the last couple months I have had no control over my life. Its scary, and I find I am lost in a huge world. I feel my journey so far has really hurt me, and I understand that I require time to heal. I have maybe 7 months left in PEI and than I will move. I don’t feel I can stay here anymore, its just not where I belong. I love the area, just not the memories of what happened here. I haven’t told the ex, but when my lease is up I am gone. I will sell everything I own and move. Where? I don’t know. I don’t intend on running from my problems, but I need a fresh start. I need to forget him, and never think of him again.

He still tries to get back into my life. And I will admit, there are times I am second quesitoning myself. But than I come too and remember….He was in love with someone else….Which if anyone knows, that far worse of a feeling than your spouse just f*cking someone. To know that the man that once loved you, has fallen for someone else and doesn’t love you anymore…That hurts more than anything. Especially since I have existing issues with being abandon. Thats a whole other issue in my life. I am so close to giving up on love alltogether in life. I use to have this dream when I was a kid, this goal more or less. I didn’t need love, so instead I thought to myself, I will still have kids and raise them on my own. I don’t need a man to do anything. lol…I was going to suceed in life and in work and still have it all. And I would never need anyone to help me….lol…thats not real life. We all need someone….I just curse my friends but bringing them close and pushing them away….Most of friends don’t know the real me…See I change my personality to be whatever they want….You like this, oh I like this too…Its to make them happy and have fun…I do it for them because they are my friends and I love being with them. I have always been a people pleaser..I don’t do things for me, I never have, I never will. Thats who I am….I will never change that…..