Mums confessed
Another day of tears.
Sal (Pauls ex, Ava’s mother) rang Paul earlier to tell him we can’t have Ava saturday night for my birthday party and that its not an option, she would be picking Ava up from his at 8:30. Paul rang me up to tell me this and I felt a lump appear in my throat. I started to ask questions as to why she’s being so demanding at such short notice and he got annoyed with me and swore at me, so I hung up.
I had a long, tearful chat with my mum as she heard the conversation and she confessed he’s crushing me. I’m not well mentally and physically and he isn’t doing me any good. He doesn’t let me have an opinion and if I do voice it he knocks me down saying I am wrong and he is right and refuses to listen. Paul actually thinks he is the victim in everything that has been going on with us over the past few months regarding me being in hospital, me being clinically depressed and me moving out. He thinks, and tells people its my fault I moved out. When really its because he wants me to work around his feelings because he WON’T change for a while to work around my feelings. I left him to live with my mum for short term, to save our relationship. Everynight we were at eachothers throats because I couldn’t give him the sexual relief he wanted. Every single night. He never gave me a break. He made sex something I dreaded, even just him asking for it was something I dreaded. And he thinks he’s the victim. I’m the one having to have the surgery, I’m the one depressed, I’m the one who attempted suicide 2 weeks ago. I’m the one suffering. I understand this hasn’t been easy and I have tried to take his feelings into account but he wants things to go his way, EVERYTIME.
So, Mum thinks I should think very hard about where our future lies. She loves him and used to think we were perfect together, but now she see’s his true colours and cannot believe he is amounting up to probably 1/2 of my mental health issues.
I wish I could speak to a councillor now. I need to talk. I can slowly feel myself losing my mind because I’m constantly thinking. Constantly thinking. All day all night.
I think my mum is right. Pauls mind games are crushing me. She’s watched me go from such a happy bubbley girl into somebody who cries everyday, who doesn’t really know who she is anymore.
Now, when I smile I can see how much my mum appreciate seeing me smile because she knows its such a rare thing.
Paul… has probably not even noticed I barely smile. Its all about him.
How have I got the energy to have to put his feelings first, or think before I open my mouth incase its not what he wants me to say. Maybe I can’t go on like this with him.
But then I think to how happy we were. I think to how much I used to love him and that if I could just get happier soon, we can go back to normal. But then… how do i know we can go back to normal?
In my humble opinion I would say talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel no matter how nervous you are. You have to let the problem be known or nothing will get better. If you tell him and he still doesn’t change you have to take action and move on because things will never be how they were. Just focus on how things can be if he is willing to listen. From there its up to you.
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I think you need to focus on getting strong again before making any decisions, you sound like you are on your knees and thats not good. If he is draining you like this he is no good to be around while you are so low. Hope tomorrow is better, keep writing it is great therapy. x
Warning Comment
Honey. Toxic relationships can kill you. I know. They drain you as if you were hemmorraging… Joe is still toxic for me; I am 51 years old and have compromised to try to keep it together, but I almost perished. When I was feeling suicidal because of the head games, the tug of war arguments, the tip toeing around, hating,HATING sex, I felt wrong, and wished I was dead. The first thing that opened up some space in my head was a book on the Enneagram. I found my type and I started to understand some of my hot buttons, and understand how I could be manipulated. The Secret had not been written all those years ago, I think if I had it to read to bring some hope to my life I might have moved through it faster. You must begin your journey of SELF discovery. Young women do not know themselves; that’s how they get lost. For that matter young men don’t know themselves either, but they often grow old, but not grow up. They sedate themselves with sex, and if the problem is too emotional, they just opt out. To look to them for wisdom will just prolong your own journey…they don’t know the way either. Your body is helping carry your pain, when everything is connected, you will heal.
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