Pinball Machines and Elvis

Lastnight I went shopping with Paul. We went to get my jeans and self help book. Whilst in selfridges Paul started looking at gumball machines which winds me up so much because he only wants one to replace the one his ex bought and took with her when she left him. There’s something aout him "replacing her things with the same things" that makes me feel sick. Literally. I want to throw up. I hinted to Paul we’re not having one and he moaned about me bringing it up once before and then went on to say how much he misses her pinball machine and wants one of those too. My eyes filled up! What the F is wrong with me? I cried in selfridges over a stupid pinball machine. When he says "I miss her pinball machine" I hear "I miss her".
The night was crap after that. I had to walk away from him and take my mind off how shit he just made me feel. We’d only been there 5 minutes and I wanted to be home in bed. The way I see it is he wouldn’t like it if I said I missed things about when I was with my ex’s. He freaks out just as much as I do and he doesn’t have to see them weekly or live in their house or look after their child every weekend,(whom I love dearly, I love as if she were my own, but is still hard to do) all things I have to do.
My heart wasn’t in it to look for a nice new pair of jeans. I just didn’t want to be there, but I didn’t have a choice, a table was booked for 8 at Pizza Express. I was stroppy with him all night, but he deserved it. He’s so thoughtless. He has this issue with me listening to Elvis because he knows my ex liked him and got me into being a fan and so I have stopped listening to him as often, which I find hard. I miss elvis but I don’t feel the need to bring it up with him.
We looked for a self help book, which was god damn hard! There were 3 bookshelves all in author order! Where the hell did I start?! I had no idea what I was supposed to be looking for or which book was best suited to me. Paul wasn’t much help and I wish I’d not asked him to help me look. He just stood there looking impatient and so I felt the need to rush, even though it was quite important, I was looking for THE book to change my life.
During our meal he was quiet and didn’t really talk much. I sense something has changed. I’m panicking he’s losing interest or maybe has his eye on somethng else who is taking up his thoughts instead of me. Usually I hear from him throught the day but recently, only the last few days he’s stopped bothering. I’m attempting to get in touch but I don’t hear from him for hours.

I had a doctor appointment this morning. He’s happy with me on these drugs. He said the tears I cried lastnight obviousl weren’t nice, but they’r not a frequent as they used to be, which is positive. He has also put me on the waiting list for a councellor. I can’t wait to talk to somebody who isn’t biased who can give me feedback on my mad head.

I can’t help but think there’s someone else in his life. I’m going to watch tv for a while to take my mind off these paranoid thoughts.