When a friend disappoints you
Todays list…
Brownies
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I have spent my night browsing for my birthday party dress for next saturday. I have about 6/7 in my favourites for my Mum to go through and help me eliminate them down to one outfit. I’ve really enjoyed it. I dont think I’ve ever spent that long on 1 website and found so many lovely things in my price range! Paul came round and helped with the brownies, well actually he made them, I just watched and licked the spoon and ate them! He was watching Transformers whilst I’ll was window shopping. Transformers was a bad movie! So corny and predictable.
Paul brought me upstairs to tuck me into bed and just as he was about to, I got a txt off Senade, my friend who is also my senior sales at work. She thought it appropriate to tell me who our new manager is going to be. I flew off the handle. Its a woman. I think 3 women in management is a bad idea. I wouldn’t class this as being sexist, because she’s already a manager so it wouldn’t be like she’s not getting a promotion because of her sex, she would just be located in a store thats better suited to her. My store is not better suited to her. I had to step down from that job because I couldn’t hack it whilst I’ve been ill and depressed. Depression has caused me to lose all my confidence. Its quite sad really. Anyway, this woman, Josie, a name that will probably be vented on here alot once I’m back at work, is a strange one. She’s a chain smoker so I can see me getting annoyed with cig breaks. She has silly ideas that don’t work. She’s a bit of a nut job. I’m so gutted my area manager has decided she is best. My store is the best on the area. I would not have said that she is the strongest manager in our area.
My disappointment lies with Senade. I’m depressed. I’m sick. I’m still coming round from general anasthetic. I was suicidal 2 weeks ago. I’m emotional. I’m fragile. Its midnight and she txts me telling me news she knows I wouldn’t like. I told her I wish I didn’t know. Because 2 weeks of sitting on my own everyday thinking abt all the things that could go wrong when I get back to work is not going to help me get better. I sent a few texts telling her I really really wish I didn’t know this. She replied with
"OK i wont tell u anything else. I’ll just deal with it all at work on my own till you get back and then tell you everything. I just don’t want to worry abt it all on my own" (this is the person who, previous to this text sent 1 saying it’ll all be fine, there’s nothing to worry about.) (nor is she alone at work. She has a TIC manager)
Maybe I’m being selfish here… but I truely believe she is the one being selfish. She isn’t being a friend, she’s being my senior sales. I need a friend and she knows that. She thinks that because I’m on anti depressants I’ll be fine soon. She is only young, but I tell her how I’m feeling all the time so she can try and appreciate what I’m going through more and perhaps it might help us work along side each other rather than her just thinking I’m pathetic. But I’ve told her so much about how depression is an illness that is hard to get out of, but she still insists on sending messages saying, "don’t stress, its your anti depressants making you worse, its not you. You’ll be fine soon." If only this was the case. I know this phrase sounds like I’m not helping myself. Its not like that at all, I just know the facts. I am starting to help myself. I am thinking more positively, but that dosn’t mean lying to myself saying I’ll be fine in a couple of weeks because that will only get my hopes up only for them to be shattered and I’ll be back at square one. I have to set myself realistic goals.
I’ve had a cry about it and I’ve also emailed my area manager asking him to give me the good points as to why shes been appointed our manager. At least if I can get the good reasons it might help me think more positively about this. I feel bad that I’m now ignoring her, but I’ve had to do it for my sanity. We’ll end up arguing (which isn’t good in texts!) and I don’t want to be giving myself more reasons to be feeling low. I need her as a friend, would be good if she could act like one though.
This rant has helped. I feel kinda cleansed.
Goodnight