First entry

Today is a perfect day to start my diary.
Today I got out of hospital after (fingers crossed) my final op.
Today is my first day at self help.

I also had  my first experience of speaking to a psychiatrist this morning. Even though he told me he felt the psych department couldn’t help my depression he’s told me to buy a self help book to help me with thinking more positively and to get my gp to get my on a waiting list for councelling as I do have issues both mentally and phsically.

I had an awful nights sleep. The anesthetic gives me nightmares and my dreams were too weird to cope with. A lady on the same ward as me snored, alot! and then told me this morning she’d not slept much! The drip stuck to my hand meant I couldn’t move! Horrid.

Anyway, I feel embarrassed to tell ppl why I’m so depressed and why I’ve been in hospital. I shouldn’t be ashamed of it, but I feel bad that ppl worry about me and if they really knew what was wrong, they’d feel cheated because unless you’ve been through what I’m going through you would wonder why I see a doctor every week and why I’ve had 3 ops since august and why I’m depressed…

I used to be obsessed with sex. I had a very healthy sex life with my partner and for 6 months we both felt on top of the world. Then for no reason whatsoever it would seem, I started to get thrush like symptons and nothing would shift it. This went on for 6 months and many doc appts later it still hadn’t shifted and then sex became extremely painful. I saw a great gyneo specialist who has prescribed me so many pills (thats haven’t worked) and I’ve had flesh removed and nips and tucks inside me to try and get rid of the pain but nothing is working. I’ve also had infection after infection in a keyhole wound that has left me in agony if I move too much. Today should have sorted that once and for all. An infected op wound for 5 months is tough!

Today was my final op and my partner and I feel positive. We have been through so much together and have come out still in love each other even though we have no idea if this op will have even corrected anything.

This diary will hopefully help me to say how I’m feeling and not feel ashamed or embarrassed.

Today has been emotional. Seeing the psych and having to expalin why my doc has referred me was tough on me. The tears were flowing as soon as he asked me why I attempted suicide last week. He wanted me to go through my feeling step by step and after I’d told him I felt so stupid, which I also told him. My suicide attempt is something I’d put to the back of my mind and discussing it today has opned up all those feelings, feelings I’m going to have to start letting out as I’ve now learnt that bottling up is no good.

Since coming off the pill and having periods again my hormones have been über crazy and this is something I hope I can monitor through this diary also.

This is my comfort zone. My mum and partner wish they were my comfort zone and in a way they are, but I can’t tell them everything, they don’t understand depression and sometimes say the wrong thing when really I just needed them to listen.

x