So Far So… Something…

Well, off to a roaring start so far… two entries, one note, and that’s despite having left several myself on other journals, including those of some diarists who used to be on my original favorites list, who still seem to have "active" journals here… hrrmmm…

It could well be that my third attempt here at OD will be cut even shorter than my second, and that I shall offically write off OpenDiary (no pun intended!) as a useful medium for my attention seeking ramblings…

Speaking of which…

Tonight, I socialized. I had guests, here in my home. And frankly, if I could go back in time to early this afternoon, I would turn off my phone, lock my doors, draw my curtains, and pretend I wasn’t home. Quite frankly, I vehemently wish I’d not invited anybody here today. There was nothing specific that "went wrong", no drastic fiasco or terrible catastrophe occurred, but still, I’ve been left with this bitter taste in my mouth which tastes like "Why in God’s name did I just waste that evening with these people when I could have spent it lying on my bed staring at my ceiling?!"…

I don’t know if that’s a statement about myself, my introversion and antisocial streaks getting worse, or if it’s an indication of the poor quality of my social circle and how I relate (or don’t relate) to them – perhaps both or neither. Right now I just feel like a hurricane has hit me in the head and left me reeling, and thinking that for no discernible specific reason, I don’t want to see or speak to any of those people – or, in fact, anybody – for several days or weeks. I guess I kind of feel… violated? That’s something of an uncharacteristically victim-oriented word for me to use, but it seems to fit. I feel like I had an idea in my head of how I wanted to feel tonight, and this is the opposite of it. Like I tried to do something nice for myself and instead somehow brought this bleakness of mood upon myself directly through some form of misaction or inaction on my own account… like I had a good idea, but somehow implemented it wrong and am paying the price for it now.

I dunno.. I’m rambling, of course.. but I’ve been feeling like this for hours now, this sense that nothing I say is coming out right, nothing people do around me makes sense to me.. like the cliché of a stranger in a strange land, like I’m speaking the wrong language and don’t know the local customs, and am paranoid that I’ve done and said everything wrong and now regret coming here.

This, in my own home…?

I think next time, I’ll go out. "Sorry guys, my place is being.. uhm.. pesticided. Yeah, with the tent and everything. Not pretty. So where else can we go?". I don’t think becoming more antisocial would be a great idea, but definately not having people in my house for a while would feel better, I think.

Weird, no?

I can’t explain it myself. I don’t think it’s a case of sheer antisocial urges, though. Actually, strangely conversely, I feel a really burning urge to talk to somebody. Like, on the phone. I find myself really missing my strange long distance phone calls. I wish I could just ring Casey. Or Becca. Or Yanie. And just… shit, I dunno. I just think I would find a friendly but very far away voice extremely soothing right now.

How did I get to a point in my life where I can feel like this, and have there be nobody in the entire world I can call? That’s god damned depressing…