The beginning

I think I was always a pretty sexually aware kid.

I remember finding porn somwhere in our house when I was probably about 4 or 5 years old. I took it into the bathroom and sat on the toilet, poring over these pages of people engaged in sexually explicit actions and tried to figure out what it all meant. I think, even at the time, I understood what the people were doing. But there were a lot of "cum shots" and I remember not knowing what all the white stuff was.

A few years later, my brother and I found a copy of "The Joy of Sex" in the bookcase in our rumpus room. We looked at it and giggled, fascinated by the sketches and funny words. There were one or two similar books hidden in that bookcase too that I happened to find. While the time spent reading these books with my brother was all a big joke, I did sneak downstairs sometimes by myself to read those books alone, and I know I wasn’t joking then. I was seriously fascinated and in all honesty probably quite aroused.

There were several occasions from when I was about 6 – 10 where my best friend’s brother and I would take off our undies and look at and touch each other’s private parts. I very secretly enjoyed these times. I also had similar experiences with some of my female friends. We would take turns to touch each other "down there".

I first discovered self pleasure when I was 12. I had one of those vibrating squiggly pens that were all the rage back in the mid nineties, and I figured it was similar to a vibrator and maybe I could use it in the same way. I began by inserting it inside myself, but that didn’t feel very exciting.. plus the heavily vibrating end was too big to insert, so instead I started pressing it around on the outside. And this was before I even knew what a clitoris was! There was a particular point where if I applied the right amount of pressure, waves of pleasure ran through me and my legs began to shake and my body would tingle. I still remember my first orgasm so vividly – it remains to this day to be my best orgasm ever! The pleasure built up so gradually, my breathing became quick and shallow, continuous waves of pleasure shot through my entire body and at the climax my entire body spasmed and I leant up and curled over, unable to control myself. I don’t think I even realised at the time what had happened! But it didn’t take me too long to figure out.

I used that vibrating pen very often from then on and the orgasms were still amazing. I used to keep it in the drawer next to my bed, and I’m sure my mum knew what was going on as she’d see it each time she put my clean clothes away. It wasn’t until we had a family friend to stay at our house who took over my room for a week and I was forced to sleep in the study on the floor that I found myself without my vibrating pen and decided to explore down there with my fingers alone.

I began just by pressing around until I found a spot that was good, then I would apply pressure and wriggle around – it really didn’t take much for me to come back then! It was after a few tries at this that I discovered rubbing was quite effective. I don’t think I ever went back to the pen!

It was around age 13 that I found a book of erotic fiction in my parent’s room. It was a wrapped christmas present by my mothers bedside table. Dad had given it to mum for christmas in private, but being the conservative catholic she is, she had decided not to open it, knowing it would be something "inappropriate". The temptation was too much for me, however, and when I secretly took it from her bedside table she didn’t even realise it was missing.

Reading that book was amazing for me. Just a few paragraphs would have my clit throbbing and my breath shallow. I think I really learnt a lot about sex from that book. I remember one time reading a chapter and rubbing my nipples through my tshirt and having the most amazing orgasm from that alone! That’s how turned on I was.

After a while, though, once I’d read the book so many times, it became predictable and not as exciting. I would no longer get so turned on by those pages. I still have the book today, but I rarely look at it. I wonder if I were to read another similar book if it would be just as exciting, or if the novelty of it all has worn off now?

The next sexual stimulation I found was online. I would spend hours on chat programs, talking to different men, some of whom I told I was older and sent them pictures of attractive girls. Others, I would be quite honest about my age and experience. I never gave out personal information and never met any trouble, but I would talk explicitly to these men and often masturbate at the same time. It was one of these men who introduced me to online erotica. He would send me story after story and I loved them. I would get so wet reading them and they would often become stimulus for my fantasies later in bed. I had numerous men claim they’d fallen "in love" with me, and I lapped up the attention. I think this was the first time I realised that my sexuality was a very powerful thing and I could use it to my advantage. Men were attracted to me as a sexual being, and I could do or say anything which they would happily oblige to.

So by the age of 14 I was already fully aware of my sexual prowess. I enjoyed masturbation to no end, and I loved how powerful and in control it all made me feel. It would be another 4 years before I ever put any of this sexuality into action with another person, but I know it was always there under the surface just waiting to come out. And when it did…. well, that’s another story 😉