This is all just uninterrupted chaos…

It’s the littelthings in life that worth celebrating. A good meal, a warm
bed, the look on a young child’s face right beofre you’re ready to smack them…
Laugh. That was funny.

One of the greatest books I’ve ever read is Something Wicked This Way
Comes. I don’t know why I thought of that, but it is a good book and I do
recommend you pick it up at some point.

I’ve avoided a lot of things recently. I have a habit of doing that. Just
avoiding things I don’t want to deal with. For instance. There’s these two
girls. Now, Girl l I’ve dated for 9 or 10 months. I met her since October
of ’02. And we’ve been together for most of the time since then. Girl 2 I met
over the summer of ’03. And we haven’t been able to be together because I was
dating Girl 1. But I was a bad boyfriend and I did fool around with Girl 2 a
lot. But I felt guilty about it and told Girl 1, and after a bit of time of
extreme anger, i thought she got over it. I was wrong. She never got over it.
She hated the fact that I still called Girl 2 when I was upset. That I was still
friends with her. Girl 1 asked me to not be her friend anymore. And I avoided
the question and never answered. I said that I couldn’t answer it, so I didn’t.
But girl 1 didn’t like that and so we broke up. I did kinda want to slow down
our relationship, but not because of Girl 2. Because of other things inmy life
that I needed to work on and I felt would cause problems in the relationship. So
to avoid aforementioned problems, I wanted to slow down the relationship. Girl 1
thought it was about Girl 2, so she asked me to not be her friend, I never
answered, she took it as a no, and now we no longer go out. I want to be able to
be friends with both of them. And in all reality, I do feel that I’d be happier
with Girl 2. I just know that Girl 1 is better for me.
I love girl 1. No
doubt. I love Girl 2 just as much. No doubt. Girl 2 loves me more than Girl 1
does. That’s what I feel. No doubt. Girl 1 is better for me. She motivates me
more. She let’s helps me get my life done right. Girl 2
makes me happier. And that’s what is important to me. So now, I spend my time
with Girl 2, but I don’t date her, not yet. Certain things have to be resolved
first before I can ask her out. But the important ting is that I’m happy with
Girl 2. Not tosay Girl 1 didn’t make me happy, but after a while it started to
feel like a chore to be with her. And also, and this was something i didn’t
like, it felt like unless we were actually like fooling around, and doing
things, that we weren’t having any type of fun. And I didn’t like that. She
didn’t feel this way, but I did. Blah. Anyway, the whole point is this… I have
been avoiding doing things that I should do. I should just stop trying so hard
to make both so happy. I should cut one out of my life completely and move on
with the other. I shouldn’t be avoiding the end of this chapter of my life. But
I am. Because I’m happier when they are both around me. I can’t stop being
friends with either of them. And that would happen if I ended all this bullshit
drama. blah blah and triple blah. I dreamed about Girl 1 last night. something
happened where in the dream I was ripping pissed at her. And it was never
resolved. But then someting happened to her, or to me and then I woke up. now,
i’m worried about her. now i’m worried that something’s wrong. So I called and
there was no answer. I don’t want to have to worry about her. Because it makes
me angry that even when we aren’t dating she still is able to make me feel like
it’s my fault when things go wrong. GAH! I have to stop writing now. Hasta.