Exactaly what she’s afraid of.

I started New Years Eve, a day off, by sitting in my room watching Alias. After that, I decided that I was hungry and wanted to go to Eat’n’park, where Will and I have spent collective days talking, drinking coffee, and smoking cigarettes. I decided to go alone. A nice quiet night at E’n’P would one up my last year’s of sitting at Dennys. So armed with 2 books, a hard diary, and a gift card, I ventured to the hill. On arrival, it wasn’t too bad. I sat down in a 2-seater, cracked open Wicked, and began my journey to Maguire’s land of Oz. After venturing around Shiz university for a while, I saw a familiar face, Scuba, and he came over to join me for a cigarette, even though he was working. His third trip back, I saw familiar faces… SpK and Will… they said that I was easy to spot from the road. They joined me, even though I did not want it to be like that.
They talked, they ate, I was quiet. I get into a certain mode when reading that I don’t like to be bothered. I think a lot about the people with whom I’m traveling and not those I’m with. So they notice and try to pull me into the conversation. I was mad at Will because he said he was going to call me the night before and did not. I was mad at SpK because she said that she was going to call me that morning and did not. I found out that Will took the day off of work and picked her up from the airport, something that I felt like I knew already. After calling her twice and not getting a response, I could only assume death or Will. I didn’t even bother calling him. So they convince me to go back to his place, where I show him a present I got for us, 2 decks of Magic cards. We play as SpK hangs out, and then Will tells me that I’m leaving. Fine by me, I was ready to go.
When we arrive at my house, after small talk, he says that I’m entering the back: true. I tell him that we should have once last cigarette. He says no, we’ve been ignoring her for the past few hours ignoring her. I tell him that he’s spent days ignoring me. He says, that’s what she’s afraid of.
At this comment, I close the door and leave. I call him upon entering my house, not feeling like much of a home. Nowhere does anymore. We briefly talk, and I hang up the phone after he asks, "Are you okay." I respond "No, I’m not fucking okay," and hang up the phone, something that takes a lot for me to do.
I’ve never been more mad at him than I was half an hour ago. I call him and say that I cannot go into work furious again. I needed to resolve this now. We attempt to and half an hour goes by, just him telling me that I don’t believe in his excuses anymore and they are desensitized (truth) and I tell him that it’s little things that could prevent things like this from happening (truth: him telling me that he cannot hang out as planned is just as good as us hanging out). He tells me that there are two options: 1.)We struggle through this and remain friends or 2.) we struggle through this and go our seperate ways. He told me last time we met that he was going to pull away from me, and that he hopes that I understand when that time comes. I do understand, but I do not take it lightly, especially when he is telling me that it is going to happen.
So long story short, He told me that we will talk about this tomorrow. We will see if he calls me. This could make or break our friendship, and it’s hard putting that much weight on one phone call. But this is what I have been driven to do.
I don’t know what was harder… falling in love with a straight man or falling out of love with and losing trust in the best friend I’ve ever had.
Happy fucking new year…

Greenie

January 1, 2006

Happy New Year.

kahlua.

Happy New Year. I get in the mood where I want everyone to fu-ck off to, like right now. Will we ever win? 😐

*hugs* I’m sorry. That sucks. He can’t just be like that to you. It isn’t fair to you. I’m not sure whether you should stay friends or not, so whatever you do, I support you. 🙂 *hugs* Take care, Rocky.