mr. churchill says.

“…we shall fight them on the beaches, on the hills, and in the fields. we shall fight them in the streets.“

in my younger days, i had a greater command of words. i could make a powerful statement if i wanted to. my mind was always working. always awake. in the last 3 or 4 years, i’ve felt it beginning to atrophy and slip away from me. i don’t feel as sharp as i used to. i don’t feel as vital. like the pulse on my heart moniter is beginning to slow down, and i don’t know how to speed it up again. i’ve tried many times to pinpoint the moment where i could’ve made a different choice, and not begun to fall into the trap of mediocrity.

not long ago i swore to myself that i would try to forget the past and move on with my life. or, failing that, that i would try to incorporate what i used to be into what i am now…a compromise of the worst sort. i’m coming to realize that i cannot. i have tried, and it hasn’t worked. it’s made me feel low, and only increased my longing to travel back in time and permanently dwell there.

so what do i do? that is the point where i find myself currently. what do i do? i don’t know. i feel as if i’m on the edge of my sanity, and i’ve been teetering there on my tip-toes for years. i feel isolated. lonesome. things that gave me joy no longer do. the only joy that remains as constant as it did in years past is music. listening to it…writing it…playing it…it gives me great joy. it takes me away from the grimey uncertainty of real life and places me high up on pedestal somewhere shiny and pretty. as long as the joy of music never slips away, i’ll be alright. i’ll make it through anything.

in other news, my never-ending girlfriend search has come to a complete stand still. this doesn’t really upset me so much as confuse me, as i’m not too sure where to go from here. i think that the only solution for the moment is to listen to “arthur” by the kinks and imagine that i’m some sort of knight.

also, my immune system sucks. i need a new one. i’m tired of getting sick. if anyone knows where i can get a better immune system, let me know. please.

-jav