Hi, How Are You?

The Thanksgiving holiday was pleasant – lots of food consumed with members of the extended family – just like a holiday should be. So returning to work today involved a lot of re-socialization with workpeople and asking how everyone’s holiday was, relating stories of how mine was, and on and on.

I’m not a social miscreant or unwilling participant in our culture, or anything like that – but here’s something that bothers me more and more lately. In this part of the world, when you encounter someone you know, the standard (culturally accepted and approved) greeting is, “Hi, how are you?”. To which the other person MUST reply, “Fine, how are you?” This happened to me many times on the walk into my office today.

The lady two cubicles down from me, the guy downstairs who I’ve met once in my life, the mailroom guy with the crazy look in his eyes – all these people and more are concerned with HOW I AM today. Or so you’d think. And I, in return, must act concerned with how they are. I know, I know, it’s just three words and you’re just being pleasant, so WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL? Maybe I am a social miscreant (love that word – will be using it too often in the future) after all.

If you must know, here are my problems with this particular social pleasantry:

1) The list of people that I actually, really DO CARE ABOUT is a very short one (when compared to the populace as a whole). That list does not include: the lady who pumped my gas this morning, the guy behind the counter at the local pizza place, or ANY of my coworkers. Before the culture police come for me, let me add that of course, I do care about everyone – every single person in the world – in a metaphysical, wouldn’t wish harm on them (well okay, maybe there’s another short list) sort of way. I just don’t CARE about them. It’s like when you were in sixth grade and you told your best friend you liked the little girl who sat behind you, and your best friend said “Yeah, but do you LIKE like her?” There are only a few people I CARE care about.

2) I am realistic enough about the human condition to know that everybody else has a similarly short list of people they ACTUALLY care about. And in the same way that they are not on my list, I am not on theirs.

3) The “Fine, how are you?” response is mandated BY LAW. Just once when presented with “Hi, how are you?”, I’d love to respond, “Well, my arms are AWFULLY sore from hanging outdoor tree lights yesterday, and the only money I have to buy lunch today is the SPARE CHANGE in my pocket, and DAMMIT my tooth still hurts where the dentist drilled it two weeks ago, but after fourteen years I still LOVE my wife, and my children are beautiful, and I’m well on my way to buying them WAY too many Christmas presents, so I guess everything balances out. I’d rate my overall life happiness pretty high right now. How are you?”

But giving an answer like that would make you the guy that everyone stands as far away from as possible on the elevator – the guy that when you pass him in the hall, you pretend to be looking at something REALLY interesting on the back of your hand so you don’t have to exchange pleasantries with him.

4) This greeting is used all the time when passing people travelling in a corridor at work, and the “Fine, how are you?” is very often said over the shoulder, with full realization (and probably relief) that the other person is never going to be able to respond in time for the asking person to hear it.

This type of greeting exchange seems to be particular to the East Coast U.S. People in the Midwest (where I grew up), don’t engage in it, they make do with a simple “Hi”, or “hello”, or if they’re feeling really expansive, “How’s it going?” But even the “How’s it going?” doesn’t carry an implied requirement to “How’s it going with you?” back.

So am I a jerk? No, because even though I think it’s stupid, I still offer the “Hi, how are you?” and reply with the necessary, “Fine, how are you?” No matter what I may be really thinking.